Fact: I am afraid I wont be able to do it

But, I am going to give it the old college try. College that is. And, this will be a second try. Not that I have ever gone before, but I did apply once a few years back. Unfortunately,  due to tax issues barring financial aid, and my own lack of  "capital" I was unable to enroll. So here I am again, closer than ever before. I have an AWARD on the horizon, the class is showing enrolled and the student ID is in the mail. The reality of the extra work is hitting me and I am now scared to death.
Couple reasons:
a. I wasnt that hot in high school. Let me rephrase-(I was totally HOT ,which was the issue) due to my vanity, partying ways, and boy vision, my grades lacked in a big way.
b. I tend to lose focus on things that dont capture my interest, for example I LOVE history! Could listen to someone lecture on it all day. But math? Not so much, I just cant latch on. The math teet just does not beckon me, therefor, I fail to thrive.
c. This is a problem because I would like to get an Accounting Degree.... Somebody call Alanis - is that considered Irony?
ALSO......
1. I have 4 kids and I work full time. My kids are already completly messy and totally exhaust me, how can I possibly add 2 classes and homework to this mix ?
2. I am not single but my husband works long hours and hardly ever helps around the house anymore leaving me absolutley frustrated and more exhausted.
3.I am lazy. I have said it before. I like to lay around the house, watch movies and vedge in my spare time. Sometimes I can be productive but for the most part I like to just be laaaaazy in my downtime.

So there you have it. I am afraid I wont be able to do it all. What if I have a nervous breakdown ? What if I have to repay the goverment for my grant? What if I am not smart enough ? What if my kids feel neglected?What if all the girls laugh, point, and throw pads at me in the shower? Oh wait, I am going online....but you get my point. I am in need of some prayer. If anyone who reads this has a line to God will you please ask him for some help for me?
I am telling myself it will be fine. I have it in me and must push through in order to obtain a better life for my family. I THINK I CAN. I have to, these 4 kids are going to need college pretty soon and Mama is gonna need a better paycheck. Pray me luck!!!

Fact: PMS ... Pretty Much Sucks

And I got it. ALLLL of it.......

1. Psychotic Mood Shift

2. Puffy Mid-Section

3. People Make me Sick

4. Pimples May Surface

5. Pass My Sweatpants

6. Perpetual Munching Spree

7. Pass My Shotgun

8. Pissy Mood Syndrome

9. Potential Murder Suspect

10. Pack My Sh*t

Seriously, it is the worst. Luckily i am not the only one, I have many friends dealing with the same issue so I dont feel so alone. I feel like as I get older it is actually getting worse. I looked up treatments and one was SSRI's, otherwise known as antidepressants...umm what if you already take those? Imagine the snatch I would be without them?  Also, Its not just "PRE" . For the most part its about 3 weeks out of every month. I get one week of sheer happiness and kindness, the rest of the time its like a junkyard dog, ready to brawl at any moment. Maybe its my bodies way of saying you give me a week and I will give you a week? But the other 3 are for PREtty much being a bitch to everyone. The week before The Lady in Red shows up being the worst of them all. I CRY, Cry cry like a Johhny Cash song. I have heard Menopause is even worse!! Looks like once I hang up the pads I may end up in a padded room , Fanfuckingtastic.

Fact: I will never judge the way another persons toilet paper hangs

  I love reading PostSecret every week to see the new secrets people post. It makes me feel less alone in my weirdness, knowing that so many people feel similar to how I feel in certain areas but just keep it a secret. I myself am obviously more open with my weirdness and others just think I am crazy. I now know, they are just jealous because they are too embarrassed to show their own crazy and well that’s a cryin shame.

Anyways, this week one of the secrets was this : “I feel morally obligated to use the roll with the least amount of toilet paper” then an email response posted below it was this “ I judge people who put the roll on upside down”. (I would post a picture but I think thats illegal. You can check it out before Sunday-after that it disappears and shows new secrtes only in case you have never been to the site.Its fabulous by the way, a huge range of emotion, I love it.)

Its the email that got me. Can you believe he judges people for this? I have often heard the over/under argument but never participated. I always thought “Seriously, this is what people want to waste their breath on? Gimme a break” but after reading this, when I got home and sat down to take the kids to the pool, I realized; My toilet paper was UNDER.

Of course, as my mind does, the thoughts began to roll, if you will. What if this secret were sent in by an acquaintance of mine?  What if I invited them to a party, here they always thought I was fun and charming, then they need to pee and all of a sudden they come out of the bathroom with a whole new perception of who I am?
They certainly wouldn’t say "well we are leaving early because your toilet paper hangs wrong", no, they would just say they had to go and make up some stupid excuse. You know what?  Fine, I dont want to be friends with such judgers anyways! But it makes me so angry that I would never even get a chance to argue the fact that I don’t pay attention to such miniscule details ( I judge people who do, so there). To be perfectly honest,  I am just glad the TP got on the roll ! Hell, normally it would just being placed (carefully balanced)  upon the empty cardboard shell of the last roll. Because, up to now, everyone has been to lazy to change it. But, since it’s a party, we checked the roll and just threw it on. Willy Nilly. Never thinking we would be judged for having an under hanging roll!!! And what is the judgement anyways? Over = Sophisticated / Under = Squalor? What do they really think of under versus over hangers? Now I am going to have to participate in the next over under discussion to see what all the fuss is about even though I LOATHE the thought of it !!

To the morally obligated guy who started it all – I must tell you, I never use the roll that is folded into a triangle here at my work in the mornings after the fresh cleaning from the night before. I feel like it should be for the next gal, as if for some reason I am not good enough for the fancy folded roll. I treat my own self as a peasant! Must be some deep rooted childhood trauma...
From now on I vow to use the folded roll, I deserve to be treated good with fresh TP and not act as if I weren’t worthy damnt !! And I will continue to be flippant about my roll put on, I may even put up a sign in my bathroom letting everyone know that I don’t care, judge away !!

Fact: I LOVE L.A.

                   Pretty lucky to live close enough to drive there. This year I decided to save up and take my daughters to the garment district for School clothes. The deals there are phenomenal !!! The culture is wild as well. I would love to go there just to people watch and eat bacon wrapped hot dogs. One corner is a beautiful ritzy hotel while 2 blocks away a man sleeps in a cardboard box. It is abundance at it's finest. Whether its in business, clothes, jewels, flowers, food, or the low end  version with homelessness, drugs, alcohol, & hunger. One could really learn enough life lessons to last a lifetime if they spent a weekend in it, OR they could just be super shallow turn their cheek to it all and go shopping (like we did woot - woot! )

Truth is, it really opens your eyes to the amount of people in America that need help. More than that,  the missions and organizations that need the help as they are the ones truly doing the most ! Its obvious that many are drug users or alcohol abusers, others have serious mental health issues, and surprisingly there are many with children. Just by chance the latest episode of the Kardashians was the father, Bruce, taking his girls to the part of town where we went shopping to one of the missions for volunteering. Sad that they have lived in Cali their whole lives and looked like they had never been down there!

           Crazy because I LOVE the culture of downtown but maybe thats because I am not from there nor am I living in a mansion able to shop in Malibu... My daughter Kysa was very sad and wanted to give all our money to the homeless, very sweet I might add she is definetly the humanitarian where my other daughter Lexi was only concerned about getting to the Jewelry, ALL THE JEWELRY !! It is amazing the things you can find in the Alleys. The clothes,  food, toys, people- It can seem scary at first but luckily I had my seasoned BFF to show us the ropes and her Spanish speaking is an added bonus. But even if you speak no spanish, if you get to L.A. you should check it out and dont forget your bacon wrapped DELISHISSS hotdog! As well as Hollywood & Venice Beach !! Some very fun people watching to be done :-)

This guy for example: He is making out - all tax free money.. He is like the CEO of Ass Kickin . Think about it $1 for the kick, $1 for a picture. He probably gets 15 kicks an hour and mostly from tourist and their kids so with a picture each that is at least $30 an hour tax free! This guy is genius, but I'd hate to see his Ass at the end of the day...

Fact: There should be a special place in hell for those who hurt children

                The news with Casey Anthony and the young Jewish boy in Brooklyn is a nightmare. I try not to even watch the news anymore as its enough to make anyone a recluse with all the evil in the world. What is wrong with people ??? And it’s not anything new, this $hit happens every year. Missing kids, beater parents, kiddieporn weirdos, and WORSE. I wish there were a Dexter for people that commit these crimes. Why not a crazy person that takes out all his pent up aggression on those that choose to hurt children, it would be a perfect match!!


When I was little my sister scared me to death on strangers, we watched Adam and I will never forget it. She knew I would talk to anyone and tell them anything so she was just trying to protect me. It did the trick, but from that moment forward I was paranoia patty (still am), I just don’t trust folks unless I REALLY get to know them. Because of this, I carried on the tradition. When my girls were little I scared them pretty bad about strangers. One of them to the point she wouldn’t go outside without me. This made my husband pretty angry to say the least. Others would tell me I had gone too far, scaring them about the dangers lurking outdoors that “weren’t” as bad as I made them to be, Or that kids shouldnt know about all those bad things, and being told, “you cant be scared of everything”. For a while I thought maybe I was wrong… ten minutes later I realized, NAW. They have a lot of fucking nerve to tell me not to tell my kids the truth about strangers!!

These crazy MF’s are out there and no one know when or where they will strike. I want to know my kids are aware, if they are scared to go outside without me - OH WELL. Better safe than sorry. If anyone were to ever touch one of my kids in any way inappropriately, or hurt them in any way, this mama would go to jail for sure. I would make sure that person suffered immensely. Eye for an Eye all the way for my kids.

My Favorite is in the movie Law Abiding Citizen. The guy’s trauma was so horrific, but boy did he get em !! What an innovative way to deal with it, the blow fish gun being the big favorite. I would think any parent would feel this way. Obviously they are too many out there that don’t and it is sickening. Why not just give them up for adoption or drop them at a fire station? Who cares how old they are for Petes sake, just don’t hurt them!! I pray these bad parents and monster strangers they will meet their own horrific fate someday in the form of lasting torture for all eternity. Though, I can see where those who have lost a child may question if there is a God at all. I certainly would, and I do for them. Why would such a good God allow such terrible things to happen to innocent children? I just don’t get it. Maybe we’re not supposed to, in the mean time I really hope for justice for all of the innocent babies that met such terrible fates and I will continue to make sure my children are SAFE and aware.

Fact: Sometimes I have nothing to say

I have a million and one thoughts in my head but I cant always get them out as words to form a paragraph. its weird. I like to observe a lot. I like to take things in and ponder them, think of all the aspects and if at all possible make whatever it is I am pondering, into something funny.
           I often think of one thing and I actually begin writing , then I stop. I come back to it several times to see if I still feel the same and if there is more I can add. I dont want to be quick and half-assed. I find that those posts get no response. Even though I am not writing to get a response, I feel like I havent done the best I can, thereby letting myself down because it could have been better. Weird? Who knows, who cares. Thats how I feel today. Thats it. Thats how I work, in a nutshell. "Help! I'm in a nutshell! ...How did I get into this bloody great big nutshell? " I love Austin Powers.

Anyways, I dont know how these bloggers do it, year after year posting every single day. Kudos to them. Hopefully soon I will come up with something else interesting to talk about. Until then here is something funny to watch....Nutshell

Fact: My sister was hit and killed by a drunk driver

Today marks 19 years since my big sister, Elise, passed away. I last saw her on Fathers Day 1993. Every Fathers Day I think about it, the countdown to the anniversary. The pain lessens with time but never goes away. I am thankful my Dad had the opportunity to have his last memory with her be a happy one. We had a fun day, barbecuing swimming, and joking; when she was leaving she famously refused my Dad a kiss and hug, he had to pick her up and force her to kiss him.
She always did this, her laugh was infectious with a touch of evil and it made everyone else crack right up, I miss her so very much. I just wish my mom and sister could have seen her one last time as well. Its one reason I really, really hate being in another state so far from them.

Monday is my 33 birthday. Losing your family member is one thing, to lose them just days before your 14th birthday, DEVASTATING. I had been taken to Arizona to live with my Dad from Idaho at 12 years old. I was becoming too much for my mother to handle, rebelling against her because she was in a depressive alcoholic funk from her 3rd divorce. My older sister Hanna had enough of it as well and she had moved in with her boyfriend’s family to finish out high school. Our oldest sister had also been sent to live in Arizona when she was 15 for the same reason as me.

When I got here she immediately took the role of protector/provider (of alcohol) – hey, what’s a big sister for? She was 10 years older than I and she understood the rebellion thing. My other sister was more of a mother to me, she had always taken care of me and protected me from the evils of rebelling, she threatened even on more than one occasion to beat certain friends to a pulp should they get me into trouble. Boy did I ever hate her for it back then!! Now of course, I am so thankful she was there and more thankful that she continues to have my back forever.

Elise was older but she was still young; she wanted to be the “cool” role model I suppose. She watched over me for my Dad, bought me clothes, took me and my friends to concerts, taught me how to wear makeup, bought us alcohol cigarettes and let me stay overnight with my 17 year old boyfriend.

She took me to that boyfriend’s funeral after he died in a tragic accident with 3 other young men after a night of drinking, then sadly deciding to drive. We spoke in the car about what we would wear and want in our casket. She loved 44oz thirst busters of Diet coke and smutty Star magazines. She had said she wanted both buried with her to keep from boredom and thirst. A good laugh to break up the sadness of the day, little did we know her day would come a short 6 months later.

I remember the call in the middle of the night. The phone ringing in my ear what seemed like 700 times at 4am until I finally picked it up to my sisters frantic roommate asking for my Dad. The rest was a blur, and then holding her hand as she lay dying. She didn’t look like herself, her massive head of gorgeous hair was wrapped in gauze, I will never forget how she looked, the smell of the room, or the way her soft hand felt in mine. I will never forget how Hanna felt so sad she was not there. How my mother looked and felt, so devastated. My Dad, just ruined. The list goes on.

We weren’t going to road trip to Idaho like Thelma and Louise. We weren’t going to have a big 14th birthday party. We weren’t going to ever laugh again. We weren’t going to sing our hearts out to Motley Crue ever again. We weren’t going to be 3 sisters anymore. We weren’t going to have the same family ever again. Life was not going to be okay.

All because someone made a bad decision, to drink and drive, thinking they were fine and they would make it home like all the other times. Instead, this time they killed our beloved on the way. I can’t imagine what the lady lives with day to day, I have forgiven though I am still very angry and sad. I know we all make bad decisions and can not do anything but take responsibility for the consequences of our actions.

Today I will celebrate my sister’s life. I will get a Star magazine and a thirstbuster, some McDonalds’ fries, blast Shout at the Devil and sing my heart out.

I will let my Hanna know how much I love her. I will say I love you to my entire family. Life is short, enjoy every moment, say I love you as much as possible!

Fact: Its the first day of summer 2011

Which means....Jokes are in order.

I dont know about you but I could use a laugh ! This site never fails to give it to me. Honestly, I could be having the worst day in history and this site will bring me to tears of hilarious, side splitting laughter, everytime. Thank you damnyouautocorrect.com , THANK YOU !

Here are just a few of my favorites.

Enjoy the Solstice and have a great summer all !!

Fact: I am suspect of happily ever after

        All the crap in the news lately with Weinergate & Shwartzenagers love child makes me wonder, as I have in the past.... Is it possible for a man to “mate for life” ? Are we expecting to much in a man belive he can be as genuine as a Penguin?
I ask this question of men only because it seems on a whole statistically, that (most) women can in someway shut down that urge. Where men, statistically, are said to have a natural predisposition to spread their seed, be fruitful and multiply the earth, i.e.: “hump anything that moves”.
Clearly they are wired differently. So why is it Headline news? Why is everyone soooo surprised? They are men, it doesnt matter what kind of Job or status they have, status does not change animal instinct.
I don’t know if I am just bitter, well yeah I am bitter. But aside from that, I really just don’t know that I believe two people can stay together forever or that a man can truly be manogamous for more than a few years. That sounds bad, but let’s gets real. Here are some theories I have:

• As kids, we grow up after 18-20 years and leave. We hope to never come back because our parents, though we love them dearly-drive us nucking futs.
• As parents, we shoo our kids off after 18-20 years. Again, though we love them dearly and will miss them a lot, we are excited for them to begin living life anew.
• As friends, we love to spend time together, maybe even take vacations together, but not live together forever.
• As siblings, sure we shared a room for 15 years but doubtful it will ever happen again and that’s not a problem-in fact, our love for each other usually increases after we get our own space.

Why then, do we think, we can manage to be around the same person day after day, year after year, and expect never to tire of one another’s presence? Isn’t that just silly? Why do we expect so much from each other? Why are we so hard on each other???

I do think Love is very real and can be sustained, but it takes a lot of work!!! I am just not sure it’s truly realistic. Even in the Bible, mainly Old testament- though marriage was a sacred temple, many men had several wives. I do NOT dig polygamy, just stating fact. I also do not agree with affairs, they are extremely hurtful to families and VERY life changing to the one being affaired on. NOT OKAY, NOT FORGIVEN, EVER. If you want to try something new, close the door to the room you are in first please.

No one really talks about it, but I think many people married for a certain amount of time have felt the thought of wanting to explore life on your own again, try new things, see a new you, feel butterflies again like a 15 year old, and have no one to answer too, etc.

Then there is LOVE. Wanting to grow old with someone, wanting/needing companionship, dreaming of a “Notebook” style connection, being selfish, being role models, being pleasing in the eyes of God, etc.

It seems us women are more of the “one love” Lovers and men can break it into chambers-Wife Love, girlfriend lust, slutty girl fun…In my research on affairs a lot of men said they didn’t not love their wives, they just wanted something else too. One song I hate has this lyric “What’s an entrée without something on the side” gimme a fuckin break right? The whole song is pretty awful. Fact is and there are a lot of songs in the same vein if you look around for them, even OLD songs. Another testament to the fact it’s been happening for centuries and who’s to say it will ever be any different?

Disclaimer: These are just theories in MY head. Its not that I think Love can't last, just that most men cant stay monogamous is all. I don’t think it applies to all people, just about 75% of them. I happen to personally know 4 people whose husband have had a child with another women while they were with their significant other, that is a pretty big number on a statistics scale so I doubt im the only one who knows other like this and no, one of them is not the Terminator. Sure there are exceptions to any rule so please spare me your grandparents’ love story - mine are still together too love each other very much and I hope we can too !!

Fact: Sometimes I drive slow sometimes I drive quick…

Actually I only drive slow in three situations. Anyone that knows me, knows- I was born for speed. I only drive slow ...

a. When I am stuck behind a snowbird – CRIPES!!

b. When I am dazing , total road hazard by the way.

c. When a COP gets behind me

Don’t we all do this when there are cops near? Do you ever wonder if cops just Loathe the fact that we all slow down and trap them in because we are all scared to death to be the one pulled over? I myself am not normally doing something wrong in general, except speeding- DOH !! But from what I see on TV that’s not so bad. People really do some crazy $hit when the drive, like try and transport  many pounds of drugs or drive under th influence with no id, no insurance, its truly amazing how dumb so many humans are.Whenever a cop is close I like to look around and see the other drivers reactions.
               Yesterday for example, 3 motorcycle cops were poised to turn left as I passed thru the intersection, I KNEW the Subaru from 1984 was filled with some “likely” immigrants and I bet myself they would jump at the sight. BINGO! They hit the turn signal and bolted off the road. Sure enough, one of the 3 made the same turn. DUH … you gotta be at least a little slick with it; those poor guys are probably half way home to Sonora by now. Of course I slowed down to about 35 as did every other car, trapping the 2 remaining cycles. And I thought, I bet they hate that.
         They had to turn on the lights to get away from our molasses pack, luckily we all were unscathed and they drove around us and sped on down the road. I doubt there was any emergency, they were just tired of going so friggin slow !! I wish I had lights and a siren.

Fact: I have no Rythym

Its no secret. When I married my husband ten years ago it was proven. His entire family was doing the Electric Slide like they were fresh off the Soul Train. Meanwhile, I was off in a corner greeting the other white guests that couldnt dance.

I guess I just have Guilty Feet? I have accepted the fact that I dance like a mixture between Ed Grimley, The Jerk, Riverdance and granny Squaredancers. Secretly though.... I want to DANCE my heart out !!! And I mean, like a serious,  Hip Hop,  groove dancing machine. I feel like it can happen. I mean I LOVE Music. LOVE isnt even a strong enough word. My head is at least 60% song lyrics. Everyone knows that music and dance go together like peas and carrots, right? So naturally one would hope with the love of one they would be blessed with some sort of rythym. Sadly not in my case. I hear a song and bam !*! The picture in my head gives me some crazy moves! It feels like I can totally do it. Then I try, and the buzzer sounds....

Honey I am not.

So last night I went to Zumba. Zumba is a crazy, amazing, high impact,  Latin infused,  Aerobics class. Let me tell you, It is THE TITS. Not only do you burn like 600 calories but you have the potential to learn some pretty sweet moves. The instructor literally shook her ass for five minutes straight. And not just a regular ass shake. Im talking about BET after dark, Ludacris would rap about it, serious ass shaking ! She said it was working our inner thighs, Gluts,  and quads or something like that. I was to busy containing the bursting laughter inside me at this class full of middle aged (mostly caucasian) women trying to master the rumpshaker, myself included. But, I admit I was excited. Finally, I might actually learn some smooth moves to Dance my ass off, Literally !!

Here is to Zumba, I can not wait for the next class - AYE AYE AYE AYE !! WOOT WOOT !

Fact: I am late for Mothers Day..always

Some things I want my mom to know.
Dear Mom,
I lova lova lova you. That is the favorite thing you ever said to me as a child, I miss hearing it. I do love you more than you know.
Dear Mom,
I am sorry my Mothers Day cards are always late or sometimes never even arrive. This year and last I couldnt afford a card. I should have went earlier to buy one but waited too long and after the holiday they were all gone :-( I will have to make a home made one to make up for it. Past years I was being angry, I have spent to much energy holding grudges.

Dear Mom,
I want to be like you.
In the begining I wanted to be a hair stylist to gossip with ladies, and cut, perm, or color peoples hair to make them feel beautiful like you did everyday. I wanted to be a good dancer like you. I wanted to wear lipstick on my cheeks.
Then I got older.... and you got sick again as you were before I knew about it. I am so glad AA gave you those years of sobriety. I know now that Alcoholism is a disease. I am sad you have it. I hope I never get it. It made me lose you...for a while. I didnt want to be like you at all after that. You said things that hurt me very bad and you probably dont remember, I remember everytime I drink. I tell myself  "dont enjoy this too much"
I still get scared I will break and it will get me too.
I ,  having four kids can not imagine the pain in losing one, especially my first born. I can understand when you get too sad to cope and I wish I could make it better. If beer is what helps than I guess thats okay with me after all these years, but please, dont drive.
I still want to be like you.
I am happy I was raised in Idaho. Even if for a short time, it is my home. I know much more than the city kids I am friends with now because of all I learned there. I wish my kids could learn it all too. And I hope to bring them there more often to learn to appreciate the beauty of the outdoors.
I want to cook like you, I want to grow a garden and can things, I want to be resourceful not wasteful, I want to appreciate nature's beauty and get my hands dirty in the soil.
You gave me a sense of humor and like you I pick at my toemails when I watch TV. You taught me good manners and that I should Love Jesus. I like to be crafty because of you. I like to listen to the Judds and Randy Travis and read the Lords prayer when I miss you.
Thank you Mom.
I love, lova, lova you.