Fact: I am a Hare

My normal routine for diet and excercise is very "hare" like. I get super excited about starting a race and  throw myself into it full speed, ready to win! Never failing, I sloooooow down and eventually I am napping. I have started multiple exercise programs and diets so gung ho and ready to change the world. Only to quit within days. Turns out its not just the vitamin D, its me.

I will be brutally honest, here are my problems:

• I am LAZY
•  If I were a bird I would be a Chicken
• I LOVE lOvE LoVe real butter.
• I also LOVE all things white, i.e. Flour, Bread, Noodles, and Mayo
• Naps are to me as Rocks are to crack heads
• Rebellion is my bag
• I tend to cheat on myself

There you have it, how do I get off my downward spiral into fatdom ? HCG, Meridia, Juice Fast's, Metabolife, No Carb, even Bulimia !! HAHA ! Sorry, I know Bulimia is a terrible thing to joke about. But really, I tried it. Ironically after watching an after school special to teach girls of the dangers of Bulimia (starring the cute daughter from Kate & Alley). Anyways, turns out it was actually more of a tutorial than a scared straight program. I stuffed my face like crazy before my mom came home. When the time to throw up came, suddenly realized I am not good at effing with my gag reflex . Also, not a fan of throwing up. Instead, I was stuck with a horrific tummy ache and 3 days of constipation. Curse you Cheez Wiz !!!

Honestly I am not sure how to change. I only know that I give up EVERYTIME. Teaching my kids bad habits by giving up, as well as showing others I can not follow through on things. UGHH !!! That’s absolutely not me, in almost every other area of my life I am responsible and won’t quit until get the results expected. I gained most of these lbs. when I went on my daily medicine, my doctor says it affects the part of my brain that cares enough to make the decision to stuff the brownie in my mouth or pass on it.
             I know I have it in me to override that, I could make better choices regardless I just know it. There has got to be a way since I have a will - right? A way to eat less, Exercise more (or period for this laziass), and say no to soda and sweets - much easier written than done.

I am going to try, try again next week. Maybe I need to be held accountable to someone or something? Only this bish can’t afford Weight Watchers at this time! That sux because damn Jennifer Hudson looks like a million bucks! Am I right?!  And hello Princess Leia is gettin in the biz as well, soon it will be only me! HAHA.                      I went ahead and have asked my husband for his help in the matter. We will see if I am grateful for the suggestions or seriously irritated and thinking he is calling me Fat, when he is just doing what I asked (poor guy) I am going (planning) to start walking/jogging round my block a few times each day, and finally, going to try and end my soda/candy machine trips at work. Here’s to taking it slow and trying to find my inner tortoise.

Fact : Eating healthy is not as easy as "they" say it is.

                The general consensus of healthy, thin, wealthy, people seems to be that all “FAT” Americans, spend their days and nights on the couch. The gluttons of society. Scarfing down egg mcmuffins, nuggets, sodas, fries, burgers, candy bars and cakes. I have heard it a million and seven times ” If you want to be healthy all you have to do is eat right and exercise- So SIMPLE”  with a shameful head shake as the eye rolls to your fat frame.Just the look on their face tells the story of what they think of you. Everyone knows the way fat people are judged. I wont lie, I think it too. When I see an extremly big person I start to think "Man, I am so thin compared to them they must live at the donut shop!" WOW, its true I am no better than anybody else. But I get it too, “Just eat fresh this and fresh that, snack on nuts and twigs, cut out red meats and eat more fresh fish and whole grains” It’s not that hard, like ‘why do they make it seem soo difficult, Im so sure. (in my best valley girl speak)?! RIIIIIIIIIIIGHT……I will give them this, Exercise is free as is water. Those are 2 things I can afford. The rest, not so much.
        For years I have been saying that many people in our country are fat not just because of Fast food joints but because the food that makes you fattest is the cheapest. Top Ramen, Macaroni, pastas, Sugar, Bleached Flour, Margarine, ham hocks, Chicken Thighs, processed boxed and frozen foods. Obviously portion control goes very far in this as well, but lets be real.

              Far too often the public overlooks the prices at the local grocery store. I myself have 6 people to feed, occasionally 7. I use coupons, a lot of coupons. They are a huge help (shout out to my friend Margie the coupon queen that always helps me out) Other than meat and produce, many things I buy are free or less than a dollar because of coupons and I am sooo thankful for that. I generally save 50% on my entire bill. However, most of it is processed food. If you take a good look you will notice that most of the processed food is the cheapest. Would I like to buy fresh broccoli at $1.79 lb (2lbs) with fresh Tilapia for my family at $7.99lb (2lbs)  & 2 boxes whole grain macaroni $1.79box – Total $23.98. Of course, we love a meal like this! Is that realistic on my budget? NO. What do we get instead? 2 bags of Value broccoli cuts from the freezer section $.99 , 2 boxes of Macaroni $.99 box (.50 after coupons), and bag of Fish Sticks $6.99 bag (5.99 after coupon) – Total = $8.97. Do I WANT to feed my family processed food? NO. Do I have much choice on a day to day? NO. Of course, every once in a while we splurge like anyone else. And, we definitely go out for fast food as well. We are not deprived, but we must make ends meet, so, after the bills are paid we buy food with what remains. Pretty sure this is how most struggling families do it. I make a good living but realistically not enough for 6 people to “Eat Healthy”. After bills I have about $500 to shop on for a month- that breaks down to $125 a week, about $3 a day per person. It seems so unrealistic!!! It is ! And if I’m telling you the truth , I spend only about $160 every two weeks thanks to coupons, if I go over I feel terrible - because if something unexpected comes up we need to dip into the fund. We have no credit cards or car payments this is just necessity bills – except cable about $45 a month and other about $100 month. I am not looking for pity just showing a sample of  reality, It is what it is.

   I’m glad to see someone is finally taking notice of this problem and hopefully in the years to come it will get easier for families like mine to eat healthier. So Thank you Michelle Obama, I’m excited for some change at the supermarket.

Fact: I am Vitamin D..flated

              Its funny how each everything works together to make things run smoothly, even in our bodies. Up to now I have been a healthy chick with a few big flaws here and there but nothing life threatening thankfully. Biggest pains in my life: My back and my "head". I had surgery on my back some 6 years ago. Only in my twenties at the time, the doctor attributed my ruptured and bulging discs to my fat a$$-SERIOUSLY. He said my butt was far too big and I should lose weight. Thanks for putting it nicely Doc. But hey, he was a straight shooter and I can’t fault him for that since I dig honesty. AND, he was right. I have been overweight since my daughter Kysa was about 2 years old.
                 Sometime after her first birthday is where the “head” problems kicked in. I wish someone would have told me it was normal, possibly postpartum and nothing to be so scared of, but it nearly wrecked me.
I was scared to death! I had always had some degree of anxiety when driving far from home or around people I don’t know but this was debilitating to say the least. I was driving myself to work as usual one morning and the scariest thought krept into my head, “what if I swerve and crash into the railing right now” it wasn’t just a thought but almost a reaction. I can’t really describe it,  it threw me for a complete loop. Instantly I went into a fit of panic stricken, crying, crazed anxiety. I remembered back instantly to the time my Father was driving my 2 sisters and I to New Mexico to see family. If I remember correctly, it was the day Bo and Hope were getting married on Days of our Lives and my sisters were really sad they couldn’t see it.
I was only about 8. Somewhere near the AZ border my Dad pulled over at a gas station, got out of the van and called his wife, he then proceeded to break down in the exact crying fit I was in right then. We drove back to Phoenix and boarded a plane to New Mexico the next day instead.

Was this happening because of that? Was I predestined? I missed a $hit ton of work the next few weeks as I went to a series of doctors who shoved xanax at me but no real reason as to why this happened or to tell me it was okay and I was normal. No, that took years of exploring to find out, At the time I felt like I was going crazy-straight crazy, like a cartoon where springs and bolts would fly out of my head, I thought I would just lose it. I was to scared to leave my house and to scared to be alone. Even scared I would hurt my baby, which was the worst; my babies are my life how could I feel this way? I feared myself. I had to have someone sit with me while my husband went to work. It was so awful. To this day I take medicine so I will NEVER EVER have to feel that way again. (In fact, I often fear the medicine will quit working and the attacks will come back) I am, as noted, an over thinker, a serious worrier and now a panic attacker. Now that I know what my deal is though, I have taken it on, I can control it rather than the other way around and I can share my story with others who feel the same way. I see the stigma in some people eyes towards mental health and I think it is sad. If we embraced it and reached out to say its okay your not alone, more people would probably get the help they need and be able to function rather than turning to drugs and alcohol, but that talk is for another time. THE POINT was... my meds made me better in turn making me FAT. I was told tby the Dr. why: SSR's affect the brain and tone down emotional responses. Not all the way but it does numb you to a point and I can tell it’s true, not crying at sad movies or life events, not being crazy murderously angry when you find out horrible news like your husband having an affair, eh hem...also for another time. It also then numbs the center telling you not to eat this or that because since everythings okay, eat up fatty. LOL It’s not that bad but you see where I’m going.

In this anxiety/depressive world of mine I find winter drags me down seriously low. I am tired, tired, tired. I have always blamed work, kids, & life, for making me so tired. Lets face it with 4 kids (even with 2 before the twins) life is hectic working & momming full time. I can not exercise or find any “me time”. When I do get “me time” I wish to sleep thank you very much. This winter I decided to do something about it and see my doctor. She sent in some labs after hearing my story and I got the results Saturday. I have a
Vitamin D deficiency.
              WHAT!?! I live in the land of SUN how can this be? My level is 14 it should be 80 !!! She puts me on treatment and tells me to get my butt outside! This is what has made me so tired probably all these years and no one ever bothered checking. This can lead to anxiety, depression, weight gain, chronic fatigue, lower back pain and a laundry list of more things !! I am flabbergasted at the find, also very hopeful. This obviously is not a cure all but a big huge step in the right direction. In the summer I am outside a lot with my kids and what not, I always feel great and tend to lose a little weight, along with just being more active this is why! DUH ! How could I not have known? Well, I am very glad I now know and I will be sure to keep taking a multi vitamin, definitely fighting my urge to sleep and instead getting outside with my kids. Thanks Dr. Paar !!

Fat Genes

I am hoping Science will one day soon find the "FAT" gene. I have known for a very long time that what makes us fat is a gene. Deep in our DNA lives a humongo Sherman Klump FAT GENE! Now some have a bigger gene than others, some genes don't kick in until after highschool,some not until a boy breaks your heart,etc. but its there, and you either have it or you dont. Sure,sure, sure.... yes lifestyle and food play a major part in this. BUT, I dont want to hear your healthy diet and excercise excuses,your fancy meal plans, or "cheat" day salad with no dressing for the other 6 day remedies. This is MY blog thank you very much, and I can cry if I want to.

I can say I have been able to maintain a low percentage on the obesity BMI score and havent had to live with being a regular shopper at Lane Giant. I have stayed borderline for many years, never able to get back to my 135 happy place but never going over the 200lb mark-until I was preg with Twins.Though I have seen the 200lb mark on a non-pregnant day and it was a take your breath away moment. People look at you differently, treat you differently and are always quick with the "you have such a pretty face" remarks and miracle diets of people they knew who lost tons of weight, trying to help but obviously looking at you as a fat blob who does nothing.It's really unfair, I have friends who have been big since birth trying EVERYTHING to be thin but nothing works. Society as a whole is so mean and unforgiving,it really is a shame. BUT....

NEWSFLASH: Just because Im bigger doesnt mean you are better!

Problem. With the inherited Fat Gene comes a Fat voice on your shoulder, a porky little devil. He whispers sweet nothings about cupcakes, frosting,and sugar cookies. Glistening melted Butter and salted noodles. Creme based sauces over fried meats partnered up with fluffy white potatoes of glory! Hills of chocolate,strawberry,and vanilla ice creams cascading over banana valleys with dollops of savory dream whip,topped with candied cherries - creatiing a virtual fatgirl fantasy land.

I have tried so hard to shut the fat voice down,starving it out eating nothing but meat ,cheese and eggs. Oh low carb diet you seem so easy-curse you!!!Lately people have told me how great I look, "oh you have lost so much weight you look fantastic"..Oh thanks I almost died in the hospital and couldn't eat for 2 weeks,totally did it for my figure.

Listen I like to be thin. As Oprah says "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels" AMEN to that!! But its sooooo hard to tell this porky devil on my shoulder to shut the f*ck up! I try and try and he say's"Colleen, remember you are looking so great its okay to have a little candy bar".... and on we go, one turns into one a day and then I say screw it and eat whatever because I have already gained back 10 why not gain back all 25? I hate this mentality!! But I also hate people trying to help! I get so defensive, a 5 year olds "I can do it myself" attitude. Does that make any sense at all??? I am only hurting myself and yes,my kids who take on my bad habits. No excuses. But until science singles out the fat gene and provides Dr.'s to remove it, I have put up some motivational quotes around my desk at work, tried to tell myself to get out there and excercise every day even if Im just being silly and dancing, skipped a Krispy Kreme last friday, trying to save up for a Wii Fit to help the whole family and decided to start running at least 5 min of my 30 min walk on the treadmill to work my way up to a marathon.....I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.