Fact: My sister was hit and killed by a drunk driver

Today marks 19 years since my big sister, Elise, passed away. I last saw her on Fathers Day 1993. Every Fathers Day I think about it, the countdown to the anniversary. The pain lessens with time but never goes away. I am thankful my Dad had the opportunity to have his last memory with her be a happy one. We had a fun day, barbecuing swimming, and joking; when she was leaving she famously refused my Dad a kiss and hug, he had to pick her up and force her to kiss him.
She always did this, her laugh was infectious with a touch of evil and it made everyone else crack right up, I miss her so very much. I just wish my mom and sister could have seen her one last time as well. Its one reason I really, really hate being in another state so far from them.

Monday is my 33 birthday. Losing your family member is one thing, to lose them just days before your 14th birthday, DEVASTATING. I had been taken to Arizona to live with my Dad from Idaho at 12 years old. I was becoming too much for my mother to handle, rebelling against her because she was in a depressive alcoholic funk from her 3rd divorce. My older sister Hanna had enough of it as well and she had moved in with her boyfriend’s family to finish out high school. Our oldest sister had also been sent to live in Arizona when she was 15 for the same reason as me.

When I got here she immediately took the role of protector/provider (of alcohol) – hey, what’s a big sister for? She was 10 years older than I and she understood the rebellion thing. My other sister was more of a mother to me, she had always taken care of me and protected me from the evils of rebelling, she threatened even on more than one occasion to beat certain friends to a pulp should they get me into trouble. Boy did I ever hate her for it back then!! Now of course, I am so thankful she was there and more thankful that she continues to have my back forever.

Elise was older but she was still young; she wanted to be the “cool” role model I suppose. She watched over me for my Dad, bought me clothes, took me and my friends to concerts, taught me how to wear makeup, bought us alcohol cigarettes and let me stay overnight with my 17 year old boyfriend.

She took me to that boyfriend’s funeral after he died in a tragic accident with 3 other young men after a night of drinking, then sadly deciding to drive. We spoke in the car about what we would wear and want in our casket. She loved 44oz thirst busters of Diet coke and smutty Star magazines. She had said she wanted both buried with her to keep from boredom and thirst. A good laugh to break up the sadness of the day, little did we know her day would come a short 6 months later.

I remember the call in the middle of the night. The phone ringing in my ear what seemed like 700 times at 4am until I finally picked it up to my sisters frantic roommate asking for my Dad. The rest was a blur, and then holding her hand as she lay dying. She didn’t look like herself, her massive head of gorgeous hair was wrapped in gauze, I will never forget how she looked, the smell of the room, or the way her soft hand felt in mine. I will never forget how Hanna felt so sad she was not there. How my mother looked and felt, so devastated. My Dad, just ruined. The list goes on.

We weren’t going to road trip to Idaho like Thelma and Louise. We weren’t going to have a big 14th birthday party. We weren’t going to ever laugh again. We weren’t going to sing our hearts out to Motley Crue ever again. We weren’t going to be 3 sisters anymore. We weren’t going to have the same family ever again. Life was not going to be okay.

All because someone made a bad decision, to drink and drive, thinking they were fine and they would make it home like all the other times. Instead, this time they killed our beloved on the way. I can’t imagine what the lady lives with day to day, I have forgiven though I am still very angry and sad. I know we all make bad decisions and can not do anything but take responsibility for the consequences of our actions.

Today I will celebrate my sister’s life. I will get a Star magazine and a thirstbuster, some McDonalds’ fries, blast Shout at the Devil and sing my heart out.

I will let my Hanna know how much I love her. I will say I love you to my entire family. Life is short, enjoy every moment, say I love you as much as possible!

Fact: Life goes on

Genesis 3:19 - In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou [art], and unto dust shalt thou return.

                  When someone you love dies it seems (to me) that everything should STOP. For the person in mourning it often does, not to begin again for sometime depending on how you heal. But for the rest of the world, life goes on. Each day comes, each night. It will continue without you no matter how influential you were, Tomorrow is promised to no man. It has always been this way and will always be. Its a hard concept to grasp. For me anyways. After my sister passed I dont remember much, it was a full year before I came back to some sort of normal and went about my teenage life. My life was forever changed though, as was my entire family. To see how each person deals with it and how it has changed them has been something in itself and I cant explain it. I can say, losing someone young is earthshattering, it makes the concept of how short the time we have here stick out in your mind at all times.
Any time I begin to dwell on the negative I am reminded it could be over this instant. Reminded no matter how pissed I am or broken, I must find a way to love and be thankful in every situation. There is not nearly enough time for me to put into words how I have been affected by my sister dying, I dont know that if I even tried I could. It is odd how in some ways it has made me a better person and in others made me a total spazz.
People die each second in this world, it seems like it should get easier. You would think we should be prepared to handle it and not be so devastated or shocked when it comes, but then we wouldn't be emotional human beings, right ? I imagine most hope to live long lives and quietly drift off in our sleep and this would be what we would hope for those we love as well. Its weird - DEATH. Its scary, its permanent, its inevitable. I am not so much afraid for myself, just for my children. That they be taken care of, that they not be sad or scared, that they would never have to endure pain or suffering. The same as any mother I guess. I take great comfort however in knowing that I am the daughter of  the King as are my children and in the end we will all be together, this is what quells my fears.
I love that the Hispanic culture celebrates their dead with Dia de los Muertos. It is much more joyous and freeing to pray and remember, than to be full of grief and sadness over a grave twice a year. Not to say I will never be sad again or be completely devastated if tradgedy occurs but I am going to do my best from now on to choose to pray and remember joyfully. To celebrate my sisters life that was LIVED, to be joyful that I had the opportunity to know her for the time I did. And the same for my other friends and family that have passed. I celebrate your memory and I know I will see you all again.

Fact: I lost a friend to suicide yesterday

His name was Sam. He was an old friend from my high school days that I hadnt seen in sometime. I loved his big amazing smile and long dark spiral curls. He had a surfers nature, a free spirit, a yearning to experience the world and be at one with it, a big heart that would help anyone and give them the last he had, he was too good for this. Anyone is too good for suicide. No one knew he was having trouble, he hid it so well.

I know how it works as I hide my pain very well also, and have had my own terribly dark depressing times. The feeling so alone, no one understanding, wanting to end the pain, wanting to just STOP the bleeding.It is all very selfish, but in a depression you just don't see it like that.
I am so very sad to know that he was hurting in this way, hurting even worse to actually carry out the plan. So very sad that his family will blame themselves, always wondering what they could have done to stop him. So very sad the world has to continue without this Kindred soul. I pray for you my old friend, I pray for your family, I am sorry you felt so alone.

Anyone feeling this way please know there are MANY people that have you on their minds today, you may not know it or feel it but suicide is never the answer, MANY people love you, you are not alone and someone wants to help you. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

God Bless you brother, may you Rest in Peace

We will see you on the other side.

Helpless...

My heart is so heavy, I feel deeply in my soul for others and for that I am grateful. Many have told me I am too sensitive, or sorrowful. I beleive God has given me a heart of compassion for a reason. The things I have gone thru in my life pale in comparrison to what so many other have faced or have to face. How do we go on day to day fully aware of what is happening in the world and continue to complain about the small problems in our own lives? Bitching about work, cars, phones, the person next to us, etc. UGGH!! I guess we know nothing better, I am just as guilty as the next guy. It is sad though, these types of things should put it into perspective for us. Though often they do, but that perspective is lost after a month or so. As I watch the coverage of the earthquake in Haiti I am angered and saddend that I do not have the means to help. I being only one person with no skill in First aid what could I do anyways? I have two arms,two legs, two eyes and good health so I know I could help somehow!!! Arent we supposed to help our fellow man? Why do so many with the means turn a blind eye? How do we see our brothers and sisters in Christ suffer and do nothing? Or we help and once those have the same problems again say well I tried to help, The bible never said to stop helping, to give up, to decide you have done enough, did it? Maybe? I know my Bible, but not back and forth. I do not know enough that is for sure, so maybe I am wrong? I admit I have been this person in helping a certain family in my life and I actually realize this very moment I am carrying great shame for allowing myself to say I cant help them anymore because they can not help themselves. At this moment however....I am told to turn off the news, stop dwelling on it, you have a family to support you need to worry about them and not stuff you cant do anything about, etc. I find those words to be so ignorant. My heart aches for people in pain. The small pains I have gone through losing my sister are HUGE in my life! It put me in the perspective of being greatful for each day and each moment with loved ones, it changed my life forever. I can not imagine how people go on after losing their children,wives,husbands,parents or entire families in these types of tradgedies ! This happens often and I think back to previous tradgedies that many forget after the news coverage ends..Earthquakes,Floods,Tsunamis..Peru,China,Thailand,New Orleans,911, Iowa... there are soo many!! I understand its part of life and its bound to happen btu I still cant make sense of it, and maybe we are not supposed to. Maybe it is crazy to think, I, one working mother of 4 in Mesa Arizona, surving paycheck to paycheck, can help anyone, or do anything to help. But I would like to think I can. I would like to think someone like me would want to help my family in the same situation, even just to hear me cry, hug me, pray for me. If I had the means, I like to think I would. For now, all I can do is pray for all the people of the world who have lived through such terror and tradgedy. And remind myself EVERYDAY that I have it easy,my pains are small in comparison, and help those around me with what I have to offer.

Elephants of a feather..

What do you do after you have hurt someones feelings? Do you just say sorry? Perhaps send flowers, a card, maybe buy them lunch or take them to a Metallica concert depending on who it is? You get my point.
But what if they are states away and you found out you hurt their feelings without you even realizing? I just had this happen and I am at a total loss for how to fix it. I inadvertanly hurt a family members feelings by leaving their name out of a thank you-what an a$$hole I feel like, he told me he was hurt jokingly and I thought he was kidding. Turns out I was wrong.

I try to be really good about being sincerly thankful. Which is hard when you are bad about mailing thank you notes! This is one thing my Mom and Grandma hate about me :-( Also because I feel there just isnt enough power behind the word "thank you"... If you see my blog about Thank you's you will totally get what Im saying.

Unfortunately there is that same lack of power behind "Sorry" !! I'm a grudge holder myself ;

in the same way an elephant never forgets, neither do I. I try to be forgiving really, but my instinct says "dont trust this mf, remember how they did you that one time?!". Okay another something I need to work on. Hurting Feelings sucks!

Hey World, I hate being a feeling hurter. (unless you hurt me first,haha) But really if you hurt me I would let you know about it because im a confronter first of all and one of my favorite sayings is "Build a bridge and get over it!" Life is too short to be upset. Talk it out, Duke it out, whatever works- lets just get over it.

I really hate being mean, holding grudges, being non-trusting, suspect, etc! I like to
joke, laugh, clown around, love, hug, laugh some more.......thats me.You cant take back something you have done once its done. Which is why it is so important to think before you speak, and follow "The Golden rule". This and James 1:19 is something I try to keep in my mind at all times "Be quick to listen,slow to speak and slow to anger." and Treat others the way you wish to be treated.

Please believe that if ever your feelings were hurt by me, I am DEEPLY sorry. (If you wish to duke it out, just let me know in enough time to get the bostaff out of storage.)

I want to apologize to my fellow favorite PEZ holder;I am So sorry. I never left you out intentionally.You have known me since I was what, 15? You have always had my back, offered me a home if I needed, made me feel at home and a part of your family, tried to teach me how to drive :), loved my kids like your own,heard me out, let me cry on your shoulder, laughed and poked fun at me, took me on watergun driveby's, played Wimbeldon with me even though I sucked, stuck up for me, made me feel better about myself, stood by my sister and made her happier than anything in the world...I am truly grateful for you my brother.Please forgive me for ever hurting your feelings, I never would do so intentionally.

Rest in Peace MJ

I am so so so very sad. I have loved Michael Jackson since I was 5 years old.Only God can judge him and knows the truth behind what people said about him.It can never be forgotten that he was such an amazing talent. What I remember about him as a pop idol ? Playing Barbies with his Doll at age 5 and fighting over who got to marry him with my friend every time we played, practicing the Thriller dance with my sisters,and begging my mom for a Silver glove.She of course wouldnt get me a "real" one instead getting a pair of sparkly garden gloves and giving me the right one....ooooohh thats my mom for ya. I have always made sure his music was loved by my kids,they hated when we got the computer and I had MJ video night on Youtube and made them dance and listen to me sing-HAHA. BUT, to my amazment they did learn to love it and Lexi plays PYT like its goin out of style!!! I pray for his children and for his entire family. I was and always will be in love with Micheal, may he rest in peace.