Fact: Its the first day of summer 2011

Which means....Jokes are in order.

I dont know about you but I could use a laugh ! This site never fails to give it to me. Honestly, I could be having the worst day in history and this site will bring me to tears of hilarious, side splitting laughter, everytime. Thank you damnyouautocorrect.com , THANK YOU !

Here are just a few of my favorites.

Enjoy the Solstice and have a great summer all !!

Fact: I picture people naked sometimes

Keep it real. You know you do it too!! I think everyone does, its natural for humans to be curious. Okay so maybe you don’t, I don’t know what it is about me. Maybe I think like a man? Maybe I am just trying to justify my random thoughts by thinking everyone has them too? Oh well, It is what it is and I can laugh at myself.

Before you go getting all awkward around me (that is, if you meet me or see me) Its not every person I see. Just randomly at times I will happen to picture a person nude. Yesterday it was the guy at church making announcements. I dont know why. He had a hairy face and arms, very Tom Selleckish. Perhaps it was the boringness of what was going on that made my mind wander. I would have to say it usually happens during a zone out moment. The basic framework of the human body is easy so it’s all details from there. Here is a  look into my thoughts  when it happens....Is this person Hairy everywhere or just in spots? Are they lumpy-butted like me? I wonder if that cellulite cream really works? Are those real, fake, or padded? I really want to get mine done, should I ask her? I need a new bra. Do they have stretch marks? I need a tummy tuck. That guys jeans are so tight. I dont see much, I wonder if he is like that Hangover Asian trunk guy? Man I feel sorry for that dude. But at least he is funny. Ooooh yowza would ya look at him, he has nice arms. Wonder if he is hung like my Husband? or Maybe like John Holmes….oh how I do love nice arms.J

Fact: UTI's are a pain in the Urethra

I am on my second for the year. Its the worst I've had yet. I understand the whole reasoning behind seeing a doctor, but then again, I feel like their are some services they shouldn't charge a copay for. $15 to pee in a cup and hand me a presciption? Seriously ! I guess they gotta make some money somehow but come on. Luckily I am okay and not dying of some new age pelvic condition as I had worried. I am a bit of a hypochondriac. Not to the extent of most but just a bit. I dont think about being sick until I am sick and then, I am positive that I am going to be diagnosed with the absolute worst thing possible.

When I was 15 for instance I had strep throat very bad. Two days into my penicillin I got a CRAZY rash over my entire body. It itched like I had just moved into a mosquito colony filled with nettle furniture. I was so afraid to show my parents that I wore long sleeves and jeans to cover it.-This of course, being fueled by heat made the rash even worse. Eventually turning me into a giant, red, walking welt that my parents could not miss. See, I was for sure being the promiscuis young lady that I was...I would be found to have some horrifying disease like Syphillis or worse, Aids!(Little harlet, I am actually very lucky I didnt end up with something!)-HINDSIGHT AGAIN-DOH!!
 Then I would have had to admit to my Dad that I was in fact a very bad girl. That I feared would have been worse than such a terrible diagnosis at the time.Turns out, I was just allergic to Penicillin. Seems like (thankfully) that has been the pattern in my life, fearing the worst - ending up with the least. I pray it continues like that forever. Oh and, EFF YOU UTI !!!

Fact: I have a crush or two...

It's true.

I do.

I have a crush.

Not just one, but two.

Its no secret .

Plus, my hubbs has crushes of his own (shocker). He is very well aware of how I drool shamelessly over these two like a sweet honeysuckles nectar. He does the same with Janet Jackson and Kim Kardashian.

At least my crushes resemble him in some way. Cant say either of his look ANYTHING like me. It may not look this way, but I am not completely predjudice. I happen to prefer black men , yes thats no secret. But, I am here to say I also crush on many different genres of men, The obvious: Brad Pitt, Matthew Mcona..hey i dont know how to spell it. The Rock, Edward, Wolverine, Jake Ryan, The Fall Guy, you catch my drift.

         Yesterday like a little boy, the hubbs walks in so excited with a grin i see only maybe twice a year. He had just heard on the radio that Janet was coming to town. I'm willing to try and get tickets so he can see her, because you know what?
I get it.

He got me tickets to see LL about 6 years ago. HELLO best gift ever! His sister and I took the tickets and had a blast, LL was doin it, and doin it, and doin it WELL. HAHA ! We even got to meet him after the show. Got to hug him  2 times!! Got to touch those arms, I die. And got his autograph !!!! He was soooo nice and gentlemanly, just as I suspected he would be. *sigh* It was FABULOUS ! Did I mention I also came home with no bra?

Many women were throwing there bra's on stage during "I need Love"... it is painfully obvious he has got all the love anyone could need by the way. I thought for a moment, Hell-you only live once, go for it girl!  (I tend to think this way a lot) There I went, flinging the pink lace victorias secret right on over my head and onto the stage! In a total Dream Weaver moment all went silent as he bent down, picked it up and threw it over his shoulder with the others! I AM MELTING !!! Sweet Lord of hosts, My rack has never been so proud. We shall see if my hubbs is so lucky with Miss Jackson ...(Doubtful) !LOL!

Happy Hump Day !!!

Fact: I believe in Ghosts

Do you have a ghost story ? Lately I have been watching Celebrity Ghost Stories. Its like a lot of shows of the same nature just a celebrity telling there stories and since I am a self professed "Gossip Rag Hag", of course this show sucked me right in. I actually do not watch Scary movies at all anymore, ever. The last one I watched was Scream. I was at my sisters house in Idaho several years ago. She left me alone to pick up her husband right after the movie, go figure once she was gone - the phone rang, I FREAKED. Total pussy - yes, not ashamed to admit it. A few years later a friend brought over the Blair Witch movie. We got to the tent shaking scene and that was it. I made them take it out and back to the video store, I was convinced this movie would surely invite evil to my house and wanted no part in it. It hadnt even gotten scary yet, LOL.
This stuff gives me the heebee jeebees!!! However, if there is no blood and guts I will watch it, cant look away. I dont know what it is about people wanting to scare themselves. I remember my friends and I totally freaking ourselves out to the point of hiding in the bathroom with the door locked, so totally scared but it was fun. I suppose its an adrenaline thing? Anyways, ever since my sister passed away I have wanted to see her. I have prayed and asked if she could come to me in a dream, sorta like asking God if she could come to play? I'm also a nerd -yes- not ashamed to admit that either.
I have talked just out loud at times and asked if she is around to do something so I would know, still no dice. My stepmother said she had seen her once right after she passed,  this made me so angry. I mean, of all people why would she come to her?! Im still a little pissed at this but am willing to bet the stepmonstermother, was lying.  Who knows. I am still waiting Elise!
 I have had a few odd happenings over time though nothing as dramatic as some of these celebrities. If you want to raise the hair on your arms a bit, check it out. The last thing that happened to me was about 8 years ago. My daughter and I were watching TV on a saturday, no big woop. All of a sudden, our cordless phone flew off the counter! I came across the room, and onto the edge of the couch. It was about 5 feet, and it wasnt just a fall. It literally came off the counter and floated across the room, but very fast. (Here I thought I was having flashbacks from bad partying choices made at a younger age) until my daughter says, "Mom!  Did you do that ?" She was only 6 at the time. To this day she brings it up, we both saw it and have no idea how it happened. Maybe it was gravitational magnetic pull ? Maybe it was my sister ? Maybe Harry Potter in the invisibilty cloak ? Whatever it was,  it creeped us out good ! Now all I can think of is Vincent Price laughing in Thriller.

MWAHHAHAHAHHAA MWAHAHHA MWAHAHHAHA !!

Fact: I might avoid you if I see you in real life...

             Last night at the supermarket while running errands for dinner and my daughter Kysa's birthday gifts, I saw a couple "friends". I avoided saying hello and pretended as if I had not seen them. C’mon, I can’t be the only one who has ever done this!?!

These are people I have on my Facebook friends list. The 240 some odd people I have had more than a brief encounter with in life but of which, only maybe 10 would help me move if asked. You ?       Though some were friends once upon a time say in Jr High School we haven’t had any other interaction since then. Some of them, even back then were just in a class together ,we didn’t like hang out on the weekends or go to each others birthday/kegger parties (depending on age at the time). I don’t know their children and vice versa. We only know whats new based upon what we see posted on FB. I may “like” some things they say, add an LOL to something funny, or offer up prayers if they post something in that vein, but other than that we don’t talk. Not like true friends do anyways.We don’t have each others email addresses or send yearly Christmas cards. (Though some family members never even send me a Christmas card, apparently I move to often to be kept in their book, but that’s for another time, but Im not bitter.)

       Now, I do have friends not seen in years for example that roost out of state. I would love to see each of them again and would welcome the supermarket bump-in to throw my arms around them for a big lovin hug and follow up with a mad chatfest.
         But this other type of friendship is just more of an acquaintanceship to be honest. (Unless they are FB stalking you.) Because then, surely they would run up to say hello and gush over all the pics you post, and things you say, its just all together outer limits; Bringing a realization of ...hmmm, maybe all that privacy setting talk, and not sharing everything jazz is something I should pay more attention too-YIKES.
        Anyways, After the hello what do you say? Perhaps a nerdy “hey saw your post about loving that new candy bar, that was pretty sweet.” Then, how do you end the conversation? Do you exchange numbers, knowing full well you will never call one another? Do you say, “alright then see you around on Facebook (insert fake laugh here)” The whole thing just seems so awkward to me I would rather avoid it all together, and I did and I believe they did as well. So then, why are we “friends” at all if neither wants to know each other in person?

Weird.

Fact: I had the best lunch today

My pal Bre brought in a fabulous little lunch to work today.

She is very thoughtful and brought enough to share. Turns out, I AM IN LOVE. This was such a great idea !Super fun and delicious.

She explained how as a child her mom would have this at her slumber parties and her friends loved it.

HECK YEAH ! I think my kids will dig this.

 it will certainly be a slumber party staple and get added into the dinner rotation !

Tacos in a bag

You will need :

One bag of Fritos per person (likely more as leftovers Im sure will be wanted!)

Your choice of Taco fixins:

Taco Meat/ Beans

Lettuce,salsa,cheese,sour cream,avacado, tomato,etc.

Cut the side of the bag off

add meat & fixins

stir around

ENJOY !

All mixed up-looks a lil funky but tastes alotta fabulous !!
These taco bags in my book, are "the tits"

Also:

Just for fun

 One of our many supermodel lunch photo sessions on Koren & Bre's  iphones.

I LOVE the Apps these gals find, I hope to one day get a fancy smart phone of my own and catch up with the rest of the 21st century ! Its called Pocketbooth, you can read about it here.

We are pretty wacky when we get together
 Love you girls!!

Happy Hump Day !

Fact: I can not stop the growth process...Please, baby dont grow !!

In the events of the past week I realized I dont want my family to grow up. I want to be selfish and put them in a little snow globe just for me on a shelf in a safe place so I know where they are are and can control what they do. Is that weird? Here are some random things we did this week, I love them so much.

  Went on a coupon hunt with my Lexi, she is so much like me. I LOVE it. Got 100+ Sobes and saved almost $400 at the store thanks to my pal Margie, we will be set for drinks for months-Thanks friend!!

Watched Kysa and her buddy get dolled up -- mascara & lip gloss -- for the Daddy daughter sock hop. Realized I am totally not ready for her to become “cool” yet. Love that Daddy has been there always for their events, I'm sure they will be grateful for that one day too.

Wiped Jamison’s super green and snotty nose on the sleeve of one of Daddy’s shirts out of the laundry pile (hey it was the closest thing near to tissue) forgot to put it in the dirty, not sure I will tell my husband. LOL

Ate sloppy BBQ ribs while watching Super Bowl 45 with my husband. Ribs on sale buy one slab get 2 free. Thank you Mr. Joe Albertson!!! Not to mention my hubbs is a great cook. Not a huge fan of sports, but Football, though I don’t understand much more than touchdowns is not hard to watch. Ifyouknowwhatimsayin....

Watched Eat, Pray Love. Eh it was okay. I now know I can skip India on a world tour though -YIKES. Got a cool quote from it that really resonated with me. I may have to write about that at a later date. “Ruin is a gift, Ruin is the road to transformation” man do I believe that is true.

Watched Michael Jackson “This is it” CRYED like a 5 year old. I love him more today than yesterday. Over the years I have taken a lot of flack from others for professing my love of MJ. I don’t know if he did bad things or not and I don’t really care. He was one BAD Muthashutyomouth!! I may not have let my son stay the night at his house if asked, but I respect his talents all day long. RIP

Listened to Eden yell Mom, MOM, MOOOOOM every few minutes. From wanting a cup to telling on her brother or just to get me to look at her, she knows what she wants and makes sure I know too. Her big blue eyes, round blonde curls and brash little voice are like a movie playback of me as a little girl. From stories my sister has told me all my life, she is my carbon copy.

Walked to store with Eden, James, and Lexi while it was a warm 40 some degrees for milk and popsicles. Embarrassed Lex half of the way with my singing and dancing stroller pushing antics.

Bribed Kysa with smoothies for her and her friend if she would clean the house.

Had an in depth conversation with Lex about Lil Wayne, Nicki Minaj and Drake. I am wondering who bites whose style, she assures me Weezy is the top trendsetter.

Gave Kysa lovins - explained I am not a fan of her being on the phone all the time, why must they grow up??

Layed with the babies and watched Monsters Inc. They LOVED it, James was afraid of the beginning scene and ran away from the TV but stopped to watch from the kitchen-LOL-the “I just cant look away” starts that early.

Had a mini anxiety attack thinking about them growing up and leaving me, had a drink.

Talked my sister Hanna today, she is having the same anxiety.We agreed we will have to get through this together, so thankful I have her !!!

Oily Veggies?

Where does vegetable oil come from? Have you ever in your life seen an oily vegetable? How is it that this subject has never been brought up? If vegetables are so good for you than why would the oil from them be so bad? I LOVE Mcdonalds french fries, this is one small reason for my plumpness. I love a few other fat little things also.Gravy, margaritas,mexican food,butter,salt,noodles... you get the idea. Obviously, I am not the picture of "health" but I try to be good, I really do try ! I would just love to go down South and spend a week with Miss Paula Deen. She is someone who I know would get me , we could share our stories over buttered breads,buttered beans, and butter. Oh we would be the best of friends ! I do like veggies though. (covered in butter) But I love them ! Cabbage, Spinach, Lima Beans, Green Beans, Squash, and Potatoes. But I have yet to see an oily one, I am thinking of writing to mythbusters on this one,I just dont get it.

Space Cadet

Do you ever feel like you are floating in space? I mean we are really if you think about it. Teeny, tiny little earth just flying about in a vast solar system of stars, moons, planets, and asteroids. I often wonder how many people realize it, the BIG picture.

Some folks are in such a bubble. If the world were ending tomorrow and the streets were rife with chaos and anarchy, I do not think they would even notice. So many of us are just floating on a cloud, texting, gasping at what celebrity just did this or that, etc. What an easy world they live in. I am an overthinker, a news watcher, a real "worrier". I cant get into that groove of non- chalantness. Sometimes I am grateful for that but other times I think it must be nice to be so worry free. AND If the moon was made of BBQ spareribs, I would eat it. Just a thought....

Watch this clip for a laugh :) Harrey Carrey

I saw this great Quote the other day and boy is it the truth !!!

~*"I'd rather live my life as if there's a God, and die to find out there isn't, than to live my life as if there is no God and die to find out there is."*~

Finally a place for the ladies !

Where are all the places for the ladies? On a perfectly normal Friday or Saturday night you can find a few groups of wild ladies somewhere in the midst of a bacholorette celebration losing all inhibitions at a male review. Ladies seem to be worse than men in this arena. These chicks can get so crazy,especially the older ones! Give them a few ones and watch out, those dentures are smiling at places probably unseen in the last 30 years!! Its a hoot to watch them really, I actually feel sorry for some of the men dancing! Okay maybe they arent worse than men, but boy they certainly can let that hair down and shock the Shit out of you.

Realistically though, thats it for us women, bacholorette party or bust. There are really no other hangouts that "demoralize" the male like there are for the female.There are more than a few here in Phoenix. Obviously strip clubs,nudie bars,topless bars with buffets,The Tilted Kilt with girls in tiny schoolgirl outfits,The Heart Attack grill with women in little nurses outfits and of course the favorite of the average man-Hooters where they go for the "wings"- thats just to name a few. Now,I am an idea man. Well I'm no man but thats what they call it I think.

I have all these crazy fantastic ideas/ ie. Random thoughts, floating around in my head. So what I wonder is this: When you have what seems to be "Idea Gold" but you have dont have the means to make it happen,than what? Do I simply keep it a float in my head ? NOT ANYMORE !! Now I blog it out to the world and if someone steals it? Well I can show at least that it was my idea first and than hope to win some royalties in a court of law ! Or maybe I get lucky and someone buys the concept? Who knows,back to the idea......

Finally, a place for the ladies, unlike the bachelorette party psychos ( you know who you are).

A place where we can act normal, have a good meal, a cold brew and some eye candy without it gyrating wildly in our faces. Open 7 days a week just a good old fashioned american hangout in the same vein of Hooters.

Picture it.....A Screaming neon yellow sign with a Buff Woodpecker as the mascot, I would call it "Peckers" it would stand next door to Hooters.The waiters would be all clad in shiny tiny yellow shorts and we would be famous for selling none other than a Great Hot Dog!! Chicago Style Dogs,Corn Dogs, Dogs with Kraut, Bratwurst.... You name it, if its a weiner- you can find it at "Peckers" Literally. Now he can go have "wings" and you can go grab a "dog" everybody wins with this idea!!

Maybe I'm a Stalker?

Having a lunch conversation the other day with some pals brought me to the realization that I, Colleen Ann Smith, may have stalker tendencies.
Have you ever thought just for no reason at all that a certain "celeb" and you could make really good friends? I dont know why I have just always thought about it-RANDOM THOUGHTS folks thats me!

I was telling my friends that for some reason since I was little I just always felt a connection with Donald Trump, seriously since the 80's ! I think we would be great friends for some reason, I never really thought it was all that weird until I brought it out in conversation. Like the fact that I'd like to call him "Trumpy" and I think he would be okay with that. YEAH RIGHT! He would kick me out of a Gold Elevator like yesterdays bellboy! But I would try it.
Not sure why the Trumpster, I mean why not someone I drool over like LL? or Ice Cube? Why not a comedian I love like Robin Williams, or Will Ferrell ? Who knows. But I think thats how stalkers feel, like they are supposed to be friends with that person and so the go try with complete innocence and the whole thing gets blown out of proportion. Before you know it your in your Cher wig in a 9x9 cell with a copy of your restraining order wondering what the hell happened? You were just trying to hang with your bff !!!

I dont know if I will ever get my chance to hang with "Trumpy" since I caught the stalker feeling early on, am now cognicant of the fact that its a crazy thought and promptly wrote about it...well now I dont think they would accept my insanity plea. Guess I will just stear clear of Trump Tower.

MTV Awards random thoughts

Today I am pondering a few off the wall things after watching the MTV Movie awards last night.

1. Why does the MTV VJ "SWAY" always wear his hair in a GIANT hat?

If he has such a fantastic head of Dreads, why not showcase it? He literally has been covering his head in these random gigantic hats for years now, never once showing off the dreads.I for one want to know what is under the hat?!! By now I think its just a pillow,maybe hay, or maybe he is smuggling in small people from Mexico. I am starting to doubt he has these fancy dreads,its got to be a hoax.And if not, he is doing a serious disservice to others like Bob Marley who always wore their dreads proudly.If you are going to hide them why bother having them? Even when you meet Barack? COME ON !!!

2. Why dont cool guys ever look back at explosions? They never wince, or duck, or even get hit by flying debris.I dont get it.Of course they set off the explosion but seriously, not even a flinch?

http://www.mtv.com/videos/misc/395483/2009-mtv-movie-awards-digital-short-explosions.jhtml

3. Will Eminiem go back to his 8 mile ways and commit murder for the flying a$$ incident?

I think so.If you havent seen it, WOW.... http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20282355,00.html

4. Why is Andy Samberg so good at digital short writing and how can I become his friend?

5. uuuugghh Why is Twilight so overblown? Enjoy your moment in the sun because in 5 years or less it will be a Twilight Ghost town.

6.Along the same lines-Award shows would be much more entertaining if you could only win one time,give the other movies a chance.When all the awards go to only one movie it starts to become sooooo boring.

7.I wish MTV still played music videos.

8.I feel sorry for the has beens of years past who probably thought they would be ontop forever.Like MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice probably felt at the 1990 MTV awards.

9.Pick up milk on the way home.

10.Zac Efron fix your hair!!The side swept bang thing can be taken waaaaaay to far. You start to lool like you have a major Donald Trump comb-over and you shouldnt do that yet. You look much cuter when its cut right.

ooohh but please dont turn into sway!!

The Smelliest Taboo

Im currently on the random thought of ....why is pooping such a big deal to some people? In my lifetime I have come to notice,mostly among women, that passing gas and pooping are a shaming event. Some I know pretend they never even do either of these things. As if they were genetically enhanced in some way to be anal-less.

On the other hand, I also happen to know some folks that are not the least bit ashamed by their "movements"and even use creative terms to describe them. For example; Dropping the kids off at the pool, pinching a loaf, dropping a bomb, and a favorite I found today-Consulting your ASStrological chart.There are plenty more,even several websites to describe them-so amusing! These terms Im guessing, were created all by men. The male species tend to celebrate their "movements" as a huge daily achievment. My husband is the leader of the pack. Im glad to see pooping is coming mainstream and the book shown is encouraging kids of the up and coming generation to take notice and be free.Now I dont encourage rude behavior such as a stinker at the dinner table or a packed car. But it is natural and we all do it, there should be no shame in that.

I honestly think its funny. But yeah okay that's me, always the joker. I think most things can be seen as funny if you know how to look at them. I dont understand why society as a whole has such a hard time laughing at life and all the quirky things about it ? Things are generally not as serious as some make them!

5 SEATS....

This is not meant in any way to be a sob story. It is simply another

"Jagged Little Pill" rant, on how cramped I feel in my life at this moment. I try to be quite humble as I know the Lord has many great things in store for me.I am grateful for the things he has, and continues to provide for me and my family,sometimes in ways I could never have imagined!!!

So, its like this. I drive a car with 5 seats. An older model Gold Toyota Camry, I like to call it the "cam-shaft" Toyotas I think are the best car ever made next to Hondas if you ride a car super hard like I do. To me, mine is a snazzy little car - dark tint,spoiler and a fancy sparkly Jesus Fish highlighting the back window that I applied to spruce it up.Now the inside may be messy and missing a few things here or there,radio doesn't work,small dings and dents outside, etc. but all in all I like it. I own it. ITS MINE !!

Problem is, I just had twins. This makes for 5 children and 2 parents-7 people, 5 seats. Now my husband does have a little 5 seater Accord, not as cute as mine (shocked?!) but its runs, we just havent registered it yet! Anytime we wish to travel somewhere as a family it becomes a nightmare. Do you rock,paper,scissors for who has to stay home? Do you lap it like the good ol' 1970's making a virtual clown car and pray to sweet Jesus for traveling mercy and no police to stop you? Do you take both cars and eat ramen noodles for dinner that day to afford filling them both up and cross your fingers that your husband wont get pulled over for "ridin dirty"? Dilemmas....I am not a fan of mini vans being that I still am more rock & roll than soccer & bowl... (no offense to you mini van drivers Im just more of a crossover suv chick I think)....but trading the cam-shaft in on a 7 seater anything is not in the cards, for many reasons.

It seems blaming things on this "economy" has become "the new black" so I wont go there (even though it does play a small part in it all). Small cramped spaces full of people give me anxiety ,dont get me started on my apartment...So I am thinking of inventive new ways of transport. Heck,maybe I will have an idea that could save GM,Chrysler and the 3rd one? Im thinking BIG here folks !

First idea: Trike Motorcycle with double side cars.

Now I wish I could draw graphics here on Blogger but you will have to envision it- A trike motorcycle holds 3 people,its 3 wheeled literally like a tricycle. Now, attach one double two seater side car to each side and voila!

7 seater.

Next: Smart Car Train.

Remember Weebles? They had the little cars that attached by bumper hooks and you could add as many as you liked.Each fit 2 little weeble people. I figure we can install bumper hooks on the smart cars and I can just attach each car depending on how many people are coming.Smart cars are definitely a small space though...

Finally: Horses

Low on gas,The kids can ride like I used too right?No license needed. The bike lane should be accommodating I would hope in a diverse city like Phoenix. Also, being that Arizona was a major part of the wild wild west (Tombstone) I think this idea might catch on like wildfire! We could attach a bag to the tail for you know, as to not smell/dirty up the city. Maybe put up a little hitching post next to the bike rack at work and at the apartment complex? Get some rubberized tread horseshoes and we are off !!! This is my favorite idea so far, I will keep y'all posted.

"Facre"

So Im watching sportscenter during todays 5am feeding (couldnt reach the remote) And it occurs to me after a featured story that I have a major pet peeve.

I truly hate things that are not spelled as they sound. In Europe (I am told by my very smart European pal Dessi) they spell everything as it sounds. Now isnt that really the smartest way to go about things? Seriously. Why the silent letters? Why the PH when we have F's ? The dreaded EI or IE my personal fave,uugghh .I mean, how do you explain these things to a child? Clearly my teacher skipped that lesson as I am at a loss when my kids ask. (Okay so maybe I talked more than paid attention in English or school in general, but give a girl a break. Social butterflyism runs in my family.)

What Im getting at is BRETT FAVRE. I can not find the reasoning for why his name is pronounced R first!!! I have gone over this in my head every time I have seen him. It truly angers me more each time, it just makes no dang sense! Wouldn't it stand to reason that we should also call the Farmer in the Dell the Famre in the Dell then? On SNL it wasnt Chris Falrey right ? And of course the smelliest of the FAR words, I wont go there but you get my drift.... Thats neither here nor there.What is here and there though, is that the pronounciation of his name is ridiculous in my book as it does not apply to any other FAR words! Let me tell you what I think happened....

Picture it - The Mayflower September 1620. Families are bording the ship in their snazzy black and white digs ready to cruise on into the new world. Family "Farve" checks in on the official roster. They get to America and enjoy a feast of Turkey, and Corn with some natives, maybe a little too much corn wine was drank "everclear" as we now know it to be. So the head of the family signs off on official documents when his head was far from clear and that sealed them forever into America's history as the Favre's ? Im pretty sure Im close here, its really the only reasonable explanation.

Not your run of the mill bell...

COWBELL :

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search
Cowbell may refer to:
Cow bell, a bell made to be worn by a cow
Cowbell (instrument), a percussion instrument
"More cowbell", a pop-culture phrase made famous in a Saturday Night Live sketch.

This bell is not to be confused with any other bell. It is not like a Triangle, a Tamborine, a Liberty Bell, a Glockenspiel or a Jingle Bell. A friend of mine recently made referrence to the cowbell making a "jingle jangle" noise. WTF?!? I had to correct her. This is not some frilly bell to be used for Christmas joy or to spread cheer in front of retail locations with a red bucket, it is surely not something the Brady Bunch or Partridge Family would have used in song, nor a way to call in the ranchers for dinner-there is no jingle or jangle to this bell.

Cowbell, though mostly used for cows as simply stated in the name is also an instrument used for serious ROCKIN!! You may find yourself replaying Will Ferrell exploring the space and curing Christopher Walkens fever for more cowbell during the SNL rendition of "Dont Fear the Reaper" and you see precisely where Im coming from. In the 70's and 80's this was a staple for many bands. I was taken back to a great song by Nazareth which features the cowbell in a way that would have made Bruce Dickinson shake with joy. Oh yeah I said it, and Im referring to the classic "Hair of the Dog" a big favorite of my totally 80's hairband loving rocker sister and quite a hit amongst local Idaho teens at the time. This songs message was clear as if Nazareth was saying "Hey, this song is hardcore and a$$kickin mostly because of this crazy bell" Have a listen and you will see, cowbell is for Rock n' Rollin only !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34lTT5RcjbM

Is that Sex Panther cologne your wearing?

Walking into work this morning an older gentelman is about 30 paces in front of me-we will call him Jack.

It seems Jack is in for a big day from what I gather, as he has brightened his Aura with 50 feet of some pretty hefty cologne. I've found most men lay the cologne on pretty heavy for a few reasons: Job interview,big date,possibility of seducing a woman with his mesmerizing scent into the bedroom, and seldomly to mask the smell of a massive colonic explosion in which they think the smell may have leached onto their clothing.
I have observed that older men really take their sprays to another level, I dont know if its a weakening of the senses or an inner lie that tells them cologne makes them seem more youthful?
Jack bought into that lie this morning and he was confident in his stride. The smell was pungent and what I imagine Sex Panther Cologne must smell like with real bits of panther.
Perhaps he mixed 2 scents thus creating a chemistry nightmare in which the aromas were fighting each other to create one truly awful nasal letdown? Maybe it was just an old bottle, like my dads 20 year old bottle of English Leather which he believes to be, still, the best smelling thing since fresh prime rib... as if there is a fermenting process happening in his bathroom ageing his English Leather like cheese or fine wine when really it now smells like Limburger.

There are many colognes that fall into this category English Leather topping my list,but not to go unmentioned : Old Spice,Polo in the green bottle,Jovan musk,Brut,Stetson, I could go on all day and I think you catch my drift. I tried to stay as far from Jack as possible and walked very slowly. But of course,I ended up in the elevator with him and had the blissful opportunity of playing "Can the 7 month pregnant lady hold her breath for 3 floors without passing out game" Though, had I taken a breath I may have passed out anyways, it was a battle of fragrance roulette literally I had no choice in playing.

Maybe Im being too harsh on Jack ? I do have spidey senses it seems now that I am pregnant causing me to want to maul people for the smallest things.But in my own defense - I think Im on to something here and I think everyone reading this will be able to identify with me in one way or another. And, if I have saved one person from purchasing the Walgreens English Leather box set as a gift for an older gentelman in their life this Christmas, than I feel I have accomplished something great for society. All in all, I hope Jack has great "Big Day" (and I hope everyone that has to be in an office with him has a set of nose plugs or smelling salts handy....)

Back on Track...

Okay so the whole point of the "Laugh Track" blog (below)went awry. My original point was to ask if anyone has ever been watching a show and gotten completly sidetracked by the laugh track?

Let me tell you that the track becomes subliminal. Most of us really dont notice its there at all coaxing us to erupt with laughter upon every lark they find to be funny.The networks could quite honestly throw in some crazy devil worship by injecting tracks of old Ozzy records, or The Beattles White album played backwards! They could even maybe be feeding us milliseconds of porn like in Fight Club or worse, it could be they are throwing in snipits of mind altertering chants to love greasy fried food for their advertisers, thus the reasoning behind America being full of Obese couch potatoes ... Just something to ponder.

But if you actually listen for it and pay attention,I promise it will ruin your entire 30 minutes of sitcom viewing pleasure.I tested this theory during a rerun of Seinfeld, oh how I love the quirks of Seinfeld. (Have you seen the Proctologist license plate one? "Assman"-Hilarious)

As I began to watch I heard the first joke, of course the fake laughter ensued. I went from there to count how many times they would interject more and more laughs.It became Deafening !

I couldnt follow the episode at all, I got so sucked in by the roars of seemingly unnecessary laughter. Why cant I laugh of my own free will ?? WHY !!!!!!!! I was to the point of almost going completely Mad- when, at long last, the show was over - Thank goodness. I mean I could have gone nuts in this little experiment! So, tonight as you watch your favorite sitcom I suggest you "tune in" to the subliminals that are going on,possibly warping your mind. Though if you are in an already shaky mental state due to the economy maybe you could leave this one to the mythbusters for now.I would hate to see anyone use this as their last straw.

Sweatpants

Sweatpants on a man should be frowned upon by society.

Today Im at the burger joint for lunch and a couple semi hot ,dishevelled, likely hungover twenty somethings come in for a bite. One of whom is wearing sweatpants-not half bad I think they might be Abercrombie but still they are sweatpants. As Im observing doing a full once over, what looks me dead in the eye? This guys wang.
YES you heard me right and I dont care if you arent a fan of the word "wang" because my point is that all sweatpants show it. NOW, if the man were to wear a wang flattening device say like a sport stretch pant underneath than that maybe not so bad, but most don't... Yeah okay so they are the most comfortable pants in America - but seriously, not outside your house in public. Im not going to the grocery store with no bra to reveal my sagging wonderment for all to see so why should I have to look at this? Yeah,yeah, maybe I shouldnt be looking there but thats a whole nother Blog because seriously who doesnt look there? Worst part about this experience...

Mr. twenty- something sweatpants guy proceeds to "make an adjustment".

Now pulling on the wang in public is something that should have stopped at age 6 , yet I notice a lot of men do this. The stick to the leg adjustment can usually be hidden quite well by a seasoned professional but there is no hiding the full on yank. Its like adjusting the bra, fixing a strap out of place is easily done, quick and most are none the wiser. BUT reaching in your neckhole to pull up a full boob that has dropped from its underwire cage is something to be done in the bathroom and not in public. Bottom line ? Men should not wear sweatpants and women should always wear a good fitting bra.