Fact: I am making a kissing list...

         Like most people I have a bucket list. A dream list of things I want to see, accomplish, and achieve before God takes me home. The other day at an art show I caught inspiration after seeing a picture of Oscar Wilde's tomb. It is (was) covered in smooches. I Googled it to see what the whole kiss covered tomb was about, only to find that as of now they have refinished and erected a glass wall perimeter around because the kisses were somehow damaging the stone. BTW-Who knew oily kisses could take down stone? Lipstick is some serious shit! Nowadays, people just kiss the glass but obviously that's not the same.So I'm going to try and climb over it, we will see how that goes or if it lands me in a Parisian jail cell... that would be a fun story for the grand kids soooo, either way, I figure, its a win win. Apparently people kiss it in tribute to him being a pioneer in following his heart, an openly gay man in the 1800's- can you imagine?
           Long story short, I wanna hop the band wagon and kiss it too. I then began thinking of all the other things I'd like to lay a big SWAK on and let me tell you the list is getting pretty hefty and I am excited! Its a new sort of bucket list all in itself and I have dubbed it the KISSing WORLD TOUR. Follow me on twitter if you like @KISSINGWORLDTOU  Basically, I will be posting quotes about kisses and pics of kisses and kiss related things, its silly but fun. Perfect for me because i LOVE silly fun. So far I have only kissed my babies and a friends baby- that might be all I get to kiss for several years until I come up with the cash for some of these kissin trips!  I am going into it with an open mind and a blessed spirit that I might just get the kisses I hope for sooner than expected. So here is the start of my list:
Oscar Wilde's tomb
Jim Morrison's tomb (same cemetery and I heart the Lizard King so it works out perfect)
The Blarney Stone (obviously)
My hubbs atop the Eifel Tower and atop the Empire State building !
Giant Jesus in Brazil
My hubbs on a sports game Kiss cam
A Frog (could be a Prince)
Speaking of how about a Prince too?
OR just PRINCE ! YES PLEASE !
A Dolphin
An Elephant
A Camel
Tony Robbins - I want to meet him sooooo bad- its a big goal of mine - he inspires me to no end.
Many Famous people- just the cheek or hand folks, and only if they would let me of course.
A VETERAN. Now this one is actually pretty cool. I watched an episode of Gene Simmons Family Jewels just days after I thought up this hair brained idea. Low and Behold Gene and Shannon headed to the Veterans Hospital for the Kiss A Vet program !!! I thought, YAY ! Perfect I can do this ! So I tweeted Shannon and she tweeted me back-SO COOL!! There is not a Kiss a Vet program on Phoenix so she said I should do it ! So what I am going to do is take some Kiss cookies to the vets at the hospital and then go from there. I am inspired and happy to think a Kiss from me in any form can bring a smile to someones face- what a gift! KISS ME LUCK !!!

Fact: I am in a word rut

a know how you get in a habit of eating the same meals over and over in a household? Inevitably you will have something like tacos, spaghetti, perhaps meatloaf, chicken, steak, crockpot mush, - REPEAT. It gets so old!! So we end up going out to eat or trying new things only to eventually fall back into the same old boring routine.

What do you do when its your words? I used to say some of the coolest things. Like "Rad" for example. Man I miss that word ! When something was Rad, it was a seriously something great!! Now I would say, well would ya look at that - that's seriously something great. BORING !! What am I 80 years old? What happened to that totally kickass chick that said "rad" and so many other cool phrases ?

I gotta update my vocab and get out of this rut. It all starts with meatloaf Mondays, then its sweatin to the oldies Saturdays. This girl is not ready for it !! Therefore, starting a list of words to use in conversation from now on and never to be forgotten again. I'm bringing RAD back !

List of cool kid words :

RAD
DUDE
TOTALLY ( I still say this thankfully)
SWEET (oh and this)
RIGHT ON (oh yeah this too, so my cool is not all gone but I gotta nip it in the bud before its a problem)
KILLER
NO DOY
BITCHIN
GNARLY
BUGGIN
COLD
FUCKIN A
HELLA
HOSER
LAME
WHERES THE BEEF..wait

 Okay, well that is a good start anways so Check ya later, YO !!!

Fact: I believe in signs

             Though I don't always know what they are signing to. Perhaps I think its a sign, but its just a coincidence? Have you ever felt that way? Is that "happenstance"? Or "Serendipity", thats it... In any case,  I am wondering if I am in the midst of a sign. In the past few weeks I have gotten 2 new friend requests on Facebook. Just when I think I have got every friend ever befriended, a new one pops up! I love that. Its silly but opening it, and waiting to see who it is reminds me of going to check for eggs when I was little. I was always so anxious and excited to see if the chickens had laid eggs, once I saw them it was SO exciting !!!.
           I opened the first request and it is from my sister Elise's dearest friend growing up, Lavonne (Vonnie). They were like peas and carrots to say the least. If Elise was there, Vonnie was there and vice versa. Most of the time I was there too! My sisters were my idols and my mom made take me everywhere, much to there chagrin. I loved when my sisters had to watch me because we ate terribly, watched soaps, rated R movies and listened to loud rock music. Many of those memories include Vonnie. Seeing her face brought back a flood of memories, then tears. But it was so exciting at the same time. Its hard after someone dies because all the friends in their life seem to go with them. I understand its awkward for people to keep in contact, I mean what do they say ? I get it. But they are missed.
          Today I get another request, this time from Elise's roomate when she passed away, Cheri. They were also very close friends who lived to gether since High school off and on as roommates. Cheri often came with when my sister would take me and my friends to concerts or I would spend days at their house dreaming I was a super cool girl on her own with two roommates. After my sister died she made an effort to take me places as Elsie would have, she even took me to see Metallica/Guns and Roses knowing that my sister would have totally done the same. The two of them had just taken my best friend and I to see Metallica less than a year before. After that Im not sure what happened, I imagine its just how time does. Creeping in and stealing away day afer day until you realize it has been years.
          So thats it. Is it some sort of sign? Is it just coincidence ? Is it my sister showing she is always near ? Is it a desperate need to want to know something significant from the beyond, to want to hold onto hope that they are lying in wait for you in Heaven? But then it couldnt be as in Heaven, because there would be no communicating with the living from what Im told. Then again, no one really knows for sure but God himself.ell that what I think anyway. I certainly dont know enough to speak on it, I only know that I hold on to that hope. Either way,sign or not. I am glad to see them both, happy, healthy, and not forgotten.

Fact: Toothpaste can kill you

How hard would the coroner laugh when he found out you had died of an Aquafresh overdose ? At first he may think you had died of Rabies, but then of course, after realizing the minty freshness of your breath, would know - it wasn;t in fact a rabid, foaming disease, brought on by your affinity for squirrel meat, but rather, it was your toothpaste as the culprit. Your pearly white Colgate smile, forever interupted by the very Colgate you lovingly used twice a day or more. Isnt that something? In child proofing my house I never thought the list would look like this :

• Medicines
• Cleaning products
• Toothpaste !?!

 I read the back of the tube of my Childrens Aim this morning and sure enough, it says  "if more than a pea size amount is ingested get medical help and contact Poison control immediately". WOW.
                    So now you know, you and me both. To be honest, I had no idea about this when my girls were little, thankfully they survived my teen mom learning curves. Turns out, Sodium Flouride is one of the main ingredients in Rat Poison and Toothpaste. Hitler first used fluoridated drinking water  in concentration camps as a mass medicating way to sterilize and calm the people. Crazy!?! Guess its time to clean house and get on down to my nearest hippie-mart for some fluoride free baking soda tooth delight !

Fact: Halloween Haunted Houses aren't Scary

           I specify "Halloween" because I know better than to bag on real Haunted Houses, guess who will never be a ghost hunter? never play a WEEGEE board? never say Bloody Mary in the mirror? This chick right here. (Yeah I spelled it wrong, I give it no glory) Moving on.
Lets be real here, how do people honestly get sooooo scared at these fake haunted houses? Its got to be a hoax, they must be faking to get a boys attention. I never could understand it. Went to my first one at the age of 16 with two couples, and my pal. The hh was an old closed down department store, not much scary about that. They had the old chainsaw massacre thing happening, the creepy guy in the shadows, the out of bush jumper, the coffin popper,  the usual. One of the couples with us was a really hot guy I crushed on, and his stupid girlfriend…uughh. She happened to be the only girl on the boys wrestling team at our High School and it was such a big deal. (la de friggin da)  I guess I can see where he was into her and not me. Clearly he must have been questioning his sexuality - it’s the only possible explanation. Anyways, little miss “man wrestling champion girl” nearly cried the entire way through this place, halfway through she jumped on MY back, mine, of all people?! I pushed her off of course; I was far too cool for that. She ran to her sissy boy and jumped on his back, continuing to scream and cry until she got out of there. I, on the other hand, am happy to admit, got kicked out early for smacking a touchy feely zombie in the face! Yeah, I may not be a wrestler but that’s how I roll. Perhaps I’m the one with the problem? I just don’t let it get to me; therefore it’s not all that “fun” of an experience. Call me what you will, Party-Pooper, Killjoy, Buzzkill. It takes something super creepy to get me, like a white van with no windows, a man in a VW bug asking directions, a phone call asking if I like Scary movies, etc.

Here are some facts as to why HH's dont scare me:
*To date no one has ever been killed at a haunted house in Phoenix, AZ.
*The Chainsaw has no chain morons! Sure it would still hurt but come on now, it wouldn’t take a limb off.
*They do background checks before hiring that creepy clown.
*A lot of the weird Drama kids from my school always applied for work at these places, those dorks couldn’t hurt a nerd.
*Most of the time –barring my zombie experience- they aren’t allowed to touch the guests.

If you just picture each of these creepily dressed freaks choking down some potato salad and taking a dump before their shift started, well then it takes a lot of the fear factor out of it.

So there you have it, a pretty convincing way to make Haunted Houses completely unscary. NOW, that being said, there are some ways to scare. Last year we went to one for a friend’s son’s birthday. This one had 3 separate experiences, two of which fall in the above category. The third caught me off guard. You entered in a black tube, it was the equivalent of being in one of the giant jumpers but the walls were pushed together. It was pitch black, super HOT, and just eery. You didn’t know when the end was coming, could not see in front or back of yourself, and could only hear the air powering the thing. If you suffered from Claustrophobia or had some sort of mental issue,  this place would break you,  it would be a definite problem. I actually at one point thought I may not get out, I may have gone the wrong way, began to believe I was possibly headed for eternal doom, anxiety attack began... and then it was over. PHEW & SCORE!!! Finally a scary experience, Touché haunted tube of Horrors, Touché!

Fact: I can not give birth to any more children

I am weirdly sad about this fact. I have 4 of the best kids anyone can ask for and I do not want or need anymore. They are my EVERYTHING.  Healthy, cute, sweet, funny, & smart. Words can not explain my love for them. I have been tremendously blessed. I simply can not imagine what those with infertility problems have to endure just to create one precious life.
My tubes were tied at my request when I delivered the Twins. Not just because while pregnant with the twins my stomach was comparable in size to an award winning pumpkin...(see me at 8 months in the picture above).  But also because raising 4 children takes some serious skill,  devotion,  meditation technique,  and most of all - major $dough$.  In these times of economic recovery recesssuckion,  much creative manuevering is needed to make it work to say the least. I wouldnt trade it for anything though! 

Whats got me down is the fact that I am 33 years old and done. I wonder, does anyone else get this feeling? A feeling of finality, or,  umm whats the word....I can't think of it,  basically, it brings mortality into light.  The fact that there are stages in life all leading up to the big FINALE. The reality setting in that I am not as young as I think I am. These wrinkles on my face are proving me wrong to the public and frankly,  its pissing me off,  I still feel 18 on the inside dangit !!
Obviously, the Finale could come at any time and leave no further stages to get to, I get that. I am very thankful for where I am, definetly hoping for many more stages in my life. It is a mourning of sorts. No more worrying about birth control, no more anymore doting on me, (one of the best parts of pregnancy),  no more maybe's or butterflys waiting to find out,  no more excuses for being a raving mad bitch,  no more pickles with ice cream,  no more hemorrhoids..well a girl can hope. You get the idea. So on to the next chapter I go, MILF here I come. LOL! Well certainly NOT Grandma, not like my childhood best friend who is one day older than me and set to be a Grandma in 6 months. OH HECK NO. One long chapter at a time please.

Fact: I miss scary Halloween costumes

Whatever happened to dressing up as the Bride of Frankenstein,  The Wicked Witch of the West,  or good old pig blood covered "Carrie" ?
Back in the day I remember Elvira and Dolly Pardon being the raciest of costumes out there, maybe I just wasnt paying attention because I was a kid stuffing my gullet with kit kats and reeses?  Increasingly though, it seems that the only option for a woman on Halloween is the sluttiest possible option of your favorite character or just the perfect opportunity to be an all out whore. Even sweet Kansas Dorothy and Little Red Riding Hood have been made out as a couple of harlets, how in the eff did that happen?!

Fact: Tennis Elbow hurts like a mother

                    I dont play tennis. Except once, in 1994 I believe. I was visiting my sister and her husband in Moscow, Idaho for the summer. He and I hung out during the day time and watched a lot of Wimbeldon that year. It seemed pretty stinking easy after watching it for so long. So we headed out,he had played and was going to teach me. Though after watching enough on TV it seemed I would need no teacher! Off  we went, racks in hand and a sleeve of balls. BALLS TO THE WALL for tennis !!! Turns out,  it aint as easy as Serena makes it look. In fact,  it is seriously hard ! My brother in law was pretty bummed to have such a sorry opponent, an opponent that can admit she could not hit even one, ONE, serve. Apparently something is to be said for training and practice, and not just seeing how its done on TV. That also goes for dancing I will have you know. American Bandstand made that $hit looks sooo easy and again, my body has a different plan for me.
         Here we are now in 2011 and I have tennis elbow. WTF? I dont know, apparently you can also get it from typing to much, who knew? Its a serious fire in the elbow and upper forearm region, at night when I want to sleep its like the fire of a thousand suns and it sucks hard. Anyways thats it, me, tennis elbow, no tennis. I got SERVED.

Fact: I am afraid I wont be able to do it

But, I am going to give it the old college try. College that is. And, this will be a second try. Not that I have ever gone before, but I did apply once a few years back. Unfortunately,  due to tax issues barring financial aid, and my own lack of  "capital" I was unable to enroll. So here I am again, closer than ever before. I have an AWARD on the horizon, the class is showing enrolled and the student ID is in the mail. The reality of the extra work is hitting me and I am now scared to death.
Couple reasons:
a. I wasnt that hot in high school. Let me rephrase-(I was totally HOT ,which was the issue) due to my vanity, partying ways, and boy vision, my grades lacked in a big way.
b. I tend to lose focus on things that dont capture my interest, for example I LOVE history! Could listen to someone lecture on it all day. But math? Not so much, I just cant latch on. The math teet just does not beckon me, therefor, I fail to thrive.
c. This is a problem because I would like to get an Accounting Degree.... Somebody call Alanis - is that considered Irony?
ALSO......
1. I have 4 kids and I work full time. My kids are already completly messy and totally exhaust me, how can I possibly add 2 classes and homework to this mix ?
2. I am not single but my husband works long hours and hardly ever helps around the house anymore leaving me absolutley frustrated and more exhausted.
3.I am lazy. I have said it before. I like to lay around the house, watch movies and vedge in my spare time. Sometimes I can be productive but for the most part I like to just be laaaaazy in my downtime.

So there you have it. I am afraid I wont be able to do it all. What if I have a nervous breakdown ? What if I have to repay the goverment for my grant? What if I am not smart enough ? What if my kids feel neglected?What if all the girls laugh, point, and throw pads at me in the shower? Oh wait, I am going online....but you get my point. I am in need of some prayer. If anyone who reads this has a line to God will you please ask him for some help for me?
I am telling myself it will be fine. I have it in me and must push through in order to obtain a better life for my family. I THINK I CAN. I have to, these 4 kids are going to need college pretty soon and Mama is gonna need a better paycheck. Pray me luck!!!

Fact: PMS ... Pretty Much Sucks

And I got it. ALLLL of it.......

1. Psychotic Mood Shift

2. Puffy Mid-Section

3. People Make me Sick

4. Pimples May Surface

5. Pass My Sweatpants

6. Perpetual Munching Spree

7. Pass My Shotgun

8. Pissy Mood Syndrome

9. Potential Murder Suspect

10. Pack My Sh*t

Seriously, it is the worst. Luckily i am not the only one, I have many friends dealing with the same issue so I dont feel so alone. I feel like as I get older it is actually getting worse. I looked up treatments and one was SSRI's, otherwise known as antidepressants...umm what if you already take those? Imagine the snatch I would be without them?  Also, Its not just "PRE" . For the most part its about 3 weeks out of every month. I get one week of sheer happiness and kindness, the rest of the time its like a junkyard dog, ready to brawl at any moment. Maybe its my bodies way of saying you give me a week and I will give you a week? But the other 3 are for PREtty much being a bitch to everyone. The week before The Lady in Red shows up being the worst of them all. I CRY, Cry cry like a Johhny Cash song. I have heard Menopause is even worse!! Looks like once I hang up the pads I may end up in a padded room , Fanfuckingtastic.

Fact: I will never judge the way another persons toilet paper hangs

  I love reading PostSecret every week to see the new secrets people post. It makes me feel less alone in my weirdness, knowing that so many people feel similar to how I feel in certain areas but just keep it a secret. I myself am obviously more open with my weirdness and others just think I am crazy. I now know, they are just jealous because they are too embarrassed to show their own crazy and well that’s a cryin shame.

Anyways, this week one of the secrets was this : “I feel morally obligated to use the roll with the least amount of toilet paper” then an email response posted below it was this “ I judge people who put the roll on upside down”. (I would post a picture but I think thats illegal. You can check it out before Sunday-after that it disappears and shows new secrtes only in case you have never been to the site.Its fabulous by the way, a huge range of emotion, I love it.)

Its the email that got me. Can you believe he judges people for this? I have often heard the over/under argument but never participated. I always thought “Seriously, this is what people want to waste their breath on? Gimme a break” but after reading this, when I got home and sat down to take the kids to the pool, I realized; My toilet paper was UNDER.

Of course, as my mind does, the thoughts began to roll, if you will. What if this secret were sent in by an acquaintance of mine?  What if I invited them to a party, here they always thought I was fun and charming, then they need to pee and all of a sudden they come out of the bathroom with a whole new perception of who I am?
They certainly wouldn’t say "well we are leaving early because your toilet paper hangs wrong", no, they would just say they had to go and make up some stupid excuse. You know what?  Fine, I dont want to be friends with such judgers anyways! But it makes me so angry that I would never even get a chance to argue the fact that I don’t pay attention to such miniscule details ( I judge people who do, so there). To be perfectly honest,  I am just glad the TP got on the roll ! Hell, normally it would just being placed (carefully balanced)  upon the empty cardboard shell of the last roll. Because, up to now, everyone has been to lazy to change it. But, since it’s a party, we checked the roll and just threw it on. Willy Nilly. Never thinking we would be judged for having an under hanging roll!!! And what is the judgement anyways? Over = Sophisticated / Under = Squalor? What do they really think of under versus over hangers? Now I am going to have to participate in the next over under discussion to see what all the fuss is about even though I LOATHE the thought of it !!

To the morally obligated guy who started it all – I must tell you, I never use the roll that is folded into a triangle here at my work in the mornings after the fresh cleaning from the night before. I feel like it should be for the next gal, as if for some reason I am not good enough for the fancy folded roll. I treat my own self as a peasant! Must be some deep rooted childhood trauma...
From now on I vow to use the folded roll, I deserve to be treated good with fresh TP and not act as if I weren’t worthy damnt !! And I will continue to be flippant about my roll put on, I may even put up a sign in my bathroom letting everyone know that I don’t care, judge away !!

Fact: I LOVE L.A.

                   Pretty lucky to live close enough to drive there. This year I decided to save up and take my daughters to the garment district for School clothes. The deals there are phenomenal !!! The culture is wild as well. I would love to go there just to people watch and eat bacon wrapped hot dogs. One corner is a beautiful ritzy hotel while 2 blocks away a man sleeps in a cardboard box. It is abundance at it's finest. Whether its in business, clothes, jewels, flowers, food, or the low end  version with homelessness, drugs, alcohol, & hunger. One could really learn enough life lessons to last a lifetime if they spent a weekend in it, OR they could just be super shallow turn their cheek to it all and go shopping (like we did woot - woot! )

Truth is, it really opens your eyes to the amount of people in America that need help. More than that,  the missions and organizations that need the help as they are the ones truly doing the most ! Its obvious that many are drug users or alcohol abusers, others have serious mental health issues, and surprisingly there are many with children. Just by chance the latest episode of the Kardashians was the father, Bruce, taking his girls to the part of town where we went shopping to one of the missions for volunteering. Sad that they have lived in Cali their whole lives and looked like they had never been down there!

           Crazy because I LOVE the culture of downtown but maybe thats because I am not from there nor am I living in a mansion able to shop in Malibu... My daughter Kysa was very sad and wanted to give all our money to the homeless, very sweet I might add she is definetly the humanitarian where my other daughter Lexi was only concerned about getting to the Jewelry, ALL THE JEWELRY !! It is amazing the things you can find in the Alleys. The clothes,  food, toys, people- It can seem scary at first but luckily I had my seasoned BFF to show us the ropes and her Spanish speaking is an added bonus. But even if you speak no spanish, if you get to L.A. you should check it out and dont forget your bacon wrapped DELISHISSS hotdog! As well as Hollywood & Venice Beach !! Some very fun people watching to be done :-)

This guy for example: He is making out - all tax free money.. He is like the CEO of Ass Kickin . Think about it $1 for the kick, $1 for a picture. He probably gets 15 kicks an hour and mostly from tourist and their kids so with a picture each that is at least $30 an hour tax free! This guy is genius, but I'd hate to see his Ass at the end of the day...

Fact: There should be a special place in hell for those who hurt children

                The news with Casey Anthony and the young Jewish boy in Brooklyn is a nightmare. I try not to even watch the news anymore as its enough to make anyone a recluse with all the evil in the world. What is wrong with people ??? And it’s not anything new, this $hit happens every year. Missing kids, beater parents, kiddieporn weirdos, and WORSE. I wish there were a Dexter for people that commit these crimes. Why not a crazy person that takes out all his pent up aggression on those that choose to hurt children, it would be a perfect match!!


When I was little my sister scared me to death on strangers, we watched Adam and I will never forget it. She knew I would talk to anyone and tell them anything so she was just trying to protect me. It did the trick, but from that moment forward I was paranoia patty (still am), I just don’t trust folks unless I REALLY get to know them. Because of this, I carried on the tradition. When my girls were little I scared them pretty bad about strangers. One of them to the point she wouldn’t go outside without me. This made my husband pretty angry to say the least. Others would tell me I had gone too far, scaring them about the dangers lurking outdoors that “weren’t” as bad as I made them to be, Or that kids shouldnt know about all those bad things, and being told, “you cant be scared of everything”. For a while I thought maybe I was wrong… ten minutes later I realized, NAW. They have a lot of fucking nerve to tell me not to tell my kids the truth about strangers!!

These crazy MF’s are out there and no one know when or where they will strike. I want to know my kids are aware, if they are scared to go outside without me - OH WELL. Better safe than sorry. If anyone were to ever touch one of my kids in any way inappropriately, or hurt them in any way, this mama would go to jail for sure. I would make sure that person suffered immensely. Eye for an Eye all the way for my kids.

My Favorite is in the movie Law Abiding Citizen. The guy’s trauma was so horrific, but boy did he get em !! What an innovative way to deal with it, the blow fish gun being the big favorite. I would think any parent would feel this way. Obviously they are too many out there that don’t and it is sickening. Why not just give them up for adoption or drop them at a fire station? Who cares how old they are for Petes sake, just don’t hurt them!! I pray these bad parents and monster strangers they will meet their own horrific fate someday in the form of lasting torture for all eternity. Though, I can see where those who have lost a child may question if there is a God at all. I certainly would, and I do for them. Why would such a good God allow such terrible things to happen to innocent children? I just don’t get it. Maybe we’re not supposed to, in the mean time I really hope for justice for all of the innocent babies that met such terrible fates and I will continue to make sure my children are SAFE and aware.

Fact: Sometimes I have nothing to say

I have a million and one thoughts in my head but I cant always get them out as words to form a paragraph. its weird. I like to observe a lot. I like to take things in and ponder them, think of all the aspects and if at all possible make whatever it is I am pondering, into something funny.
           I often think of one thing and I actually begin writing , then I stop. I come back to it several times to see if I still feel the same and if there is more I can add. I dont want to be quick and half-assed. I find that those posts get no response. Even though I am not writing to get a response, I feel like I havent done the best I can, thereby letting myself down because it could have been better. Weird? Who knows, who cares. Thats how I feel today. Thats it. Thats how I work, in a nutshell. "Help! I'm in a nutshell! ...How did I get into this bloody great big nutshell? " I love Austin Powers.

Anyways, I dont know how these bloggers do it, year after year posting every single day. Kudos to them. Hopefully soon I will come up with something else interesting to talk about. Until then here is something funny to watch....Nutshell

Fact: My sister was hit and killed by a drunk driver

Today marks 19 years since my big sister, Elise, passed away. I last saw her on Fathers Day 1993. Every Fathers Day I think about it, the countdown to the anniversary. The pain lessens with time but never goes away. I am thankful my Dad had the opportunity to have his last memory with her be a happy one. We had a fun day, barbecuing swimming, and joking; when she was leaving she famously refused my Dad a kiss and hug, he had to pick her up and force her to kiss him.
She always did this, her laugh was infectious with a touch of evil and it made everyone else crack right up, I miss her so very much. I just wish my mom and sister could have seen her one last time as well. Its one reason I really, really hate being in another state so far from them.

Monday is my 33 birthday. Losing your family member is one thing, to lose them just days before your 14th birthday, DEVASTATING. I had been taken to Arizona to live with my Dad from Idaho at 12 years old. I was becoming too much for my mother to handle, rebelling against her because she was in a depressive alcoholic funk from her 3rd divorce. My older sister Hanna had enough of it as well and she had moved in with her boyfriend’s family to finish out high school. Our oldest sister had also been sent to live in Arizona when she was 15 for the same reason as me.

When I got here she immediately took the role of protector/provider (of alcohol) – hey, what’s a big sister for? She was 10 years older than I and she understood the rebellion thing. My other sister was more of a mother to me, she had always taken care of me and protected me from the evils of rebelling, she threatened even on more than one occasion to beat certain friends to a pulp should they get me into trouble. Boy did I ever hate her for it back then!! Now of course, I am so thankful she was there and more thankful that she continues to have my back forever.

Elise was older but she was still young; she wanted to be the “cool” role model I suppose. She watched over me for my Dad, bought me clothes, took me and my friends to concerts, taught me how to wear makeup, bought us alcohol cigarettes and let me stay overnight with my 17 year old boyfriend.

She took me to that boyfriend’s funeral after he died in a tragic accident with 3 other young men after a night of drinking, then sadly deciding to drive. We spoke in the car about what we would wear and want in our casket. She loved 44oz thirst busters of Diet coke and smutty Star magazines. She had said she wanted both buried with her to keep from boredom and thirst. A good laugh to break up the sadness of the day, little did we know her day would come a short 6 months later.

I remember the call in the middle of the night. The phone ringing in my ear what seemed like 700 times at 4am until I finally picked it up to my sisters frantic roommate asking for my Dad. The rest was a blur, and then holding her hand as she lay dying. She didn’t look like herself, her massive head of gorgeous hair was wrapped in gauze, I will never forget how she looked, the smell of the room, or the way her soft hand felt in mine. I will never forget how Hanna felt so sad she was not there. How my mother looked and felt, so devastated. My Dad, just ruined. The list goes on.

We weren’t going to road trip to Idaho like Thelma and Louise. We weren’t going to have a big 14th birthday party. We weren’t going to ever laugh again. We weren’t going to sing our hearts out to Motley Crue ever again. We weren’t going to be 3 sisters anymore. We weren’t going to have the same family ever again. Life was not going to be okay.

All because someone made a bad decision, to drink and drive, thinking they were fine and they would make it home like all the other times. Instead, this time they killed our beloved on the way. I can’t imagine what the lady lives with day to day, I have forgiven though I am still very angry and sad. I know we all make bad decisions and can not do anything but take responsibility for the consequences of our actions.

Today I will celebrate my sister’s life. I will get a Star magazine and a thirstbuster, some McDonalds’ fries, blast Shout at the Devil and sing my heart out.

I will let my Hanna know how much I love her. I will say I love you to my entire family. Life is short, enjoy every moment, say I love you as much as possible!

Fact: Its the first day of summer 2011

Which means....Jokes are in order.

I dont know about you but I could use a laugh ! This site never fails to give it to me. Honestly, I could be having the worst day in history and this site will bring me to tears of hilarious, side splitting laughter, everytime. Thank you damnyouautocorrect.com , THANK YOU !

Here are just a few of my favorites.

Enjoy the Solstice and have a great summer all !!

Fact: I am suspect of happily ever after

        All the crap in the news lately with Weinergate & Shwartzenagers love child makes me wonder, as I have in the past.... Is it possible for a man to “mate for life” ? Are we expecting to much in a man belive he can be as genuine as a Penguin?
I ask this question of men only because it seems on a whole statistically, that (most) women can in someway shut down that urge. Where men, statistically, are said to have a natural predisposition to spread their seed, be fruitful and multiply the earth, i.e.: “hump anything that moves”.
Clearly they are wired differently. So why is it Headline news? Why is everyone soooo surprised? They are men, it doesnt matter what kind of Job or status they have, status does not change animal instinct.
I don’t know if I am just bitter, well yeah I am bitter. But aside from that, I really just don’t know that I believe two people can stay together forever or that a man can truly be manogamous for more than a few years. That sounds bad, but let’s gets real. Here are some theories I have:

• As kids, we grow up after 18-20 years and leave. We hope to never come back because our parents, though we love them dearly-drive us nucking futs.
• As parents, we shoo our kids off after 18-20 years. Again, though we love them dearly and will miss them a lot, we are excited for them to begin living life anew.
• As friends, we love to spend time together, maybe even take vacations together, but not live together forever.
• As siblings, sure we shared a room for 15 years but doubtful it will ever happen again and that’s not a problem-in fact, our love for each other usually increases after we get our own space.

Why then, do we think, we can manage to be around the same person day after day, year after year, and expect never to tire of one another’s presence? Isn’t that just silly? Why do we expect so much from each other? Why are we so hard on each other???

I do think Love is very real and can be sustained, but it takes a lot of work!!! I am just not sure it’s truly realistic. Even in the Bible, mainly Old testament- though marriage was a sacred temple, many men had several wives. I do NOT dig polygamy, just stating fact. I also do not agree with affairs, they are extremely hurtful to families and VERY life changing to the one being affaired on. NOT OKAY, NOT FORGIVEN, EVER. If you want to try something new, close the door to the room you are in first please.

No one really talks about it, but I think many people married for a certain amount of time have felt the thought of wanting to explore life on your own again, try new things, see a new you, feel butterflies again like a 15 year old, and have no one to answer too, etc.

Then there is LOVE. Wanting to grow old with someone, wanting/needing companionship, dreaming of a “Notebook” style connection, being selfish, being role models, being pleasing in the eyes of God, etc.

It seems us women are more of the “one love” Lovers and men can break it into chambers-Wife Love, girlfriend lust, slutty girl fun…In my research on affairs a lot of men said they didn’t not love their wives, they just wanted something else too. One song I hate has this lyric “What’s an entrée without something on the side” gimme a fuckin break right? The whole song is pretty awful. Fact is and there are a lot of songs in the same vein if you look around for them, even OLD songs. Another testament to the fact it’s been happening for centuries and who’s to say it will ever be any different?

Disclaimer: These are just theories in MY head. Its not that I think Love can't last, just that most men cant stay monogamous is all. I don’t think it applies to all people, just about 75% of them. I happen to personally know 4 people whose husband have had a child with another women while they were with their significant other, that is a pretty big number on a statistics scale so I doubt im the only one who knows other like this and no, one of them is not the Terminator. Sure there are exceptions to any rule so please spare me your grandparents’ love story - mine are still together too love each other very much and I hope we can too !!

Fact: Sometimes I drive slow sometimes I drive quick…

Actually I only drive slow in three situations. Anyone that knows me, knows- I was born for speed. I only drive slow ...

a. When I am stuck behind a snowbird – CRIPES!!

b. When I am dazing , total road hazard by the way.

c. When a COP gets behind me

Don’t we all do this when there are cops near? Do you ever wonder if cops just Loathe the fact that we all slow down and trap them in because we are all scared to death to be the one pulled over? I myself am not normally doing something wrong in general, except speeding- DOH !! But from what I see on TV that’s not so bad. People really do some crazy $hit when the drive, like try and transport  many pounds of drugs or drive under th influence with no id, no insurance, its truly amazing how dumb so many humans are.Whenever a cop is close I like to look around and see the other drivers reactions.
               Yesterday for example, 3 motorcycle cops were poised to turn left as I passed thru the intersection, I KNEW the Subaru from 1984 was filled with some “likely” immigrants and I bet myself they would jump at the sight. BINGO! They hit the turn signal and bolted off the road. Sure enough, one of the 3 made the same turn. DUH … you gotta be at least a little slick with it; those poor guys are probably half way home to Sonora by now. Of course I slowed down to about 35 as did every other car, trapping the 2 remaining cycles. And I thought, I bet they hate that.
         They had to turn on the lights to get away from our molasses pack, luckily we all were unscathed and they drove around us and sped on down the road. I doubt there was any emergency, they were just tired of going so friggin slow !! I wish I had lights and a siren.

Fact: I have no Rythym

Its no secret. When I married my husband ten years ago it was proven. His entire family was doing the Electric Slide like they were fresh off the Soul Train. Meanwhile, I was off in a corner greeting the other white guests that couldnt dance.

I guess I just have Guilty Feet? I have accepted the fact that I dance like a mixture between Ed Grimley, The Jerk, Riverdance and granny Squaredancers. Secretly though.... I want to DANCE my heart out !!! And I mean, like a serious,  Hip Hop,  groove dancing machine. I feel like it can happen. I mean I LOVE Music. LOVE isnt even a strong enough word. My head is at least 60% song lyrics. Everyone knows that music and dance go together like peas and carrots, right? So naturally one would hope with the love of one they would be blessed with some sort of rythym. Sadly not in my case. I hear a song and bam !*! The picture in my head gives me some crazy moves! It feels like I can totally do it. Then I try, and the buzzer sounds....

Honey I am not.

So last night I went to Zumba. Zumba is a crazy, amazing, high impact,  Latin infused,  Aerobics class. Let me tell you, It is THE TITS. Not only do you burn like 600 calories but you have the potential to learn some pretty sweet moves. The instructor literally shook her ass for five minutes straight. And not just a regular ass shake. Im talking about BET after dark, Ludacris would rap about it, serious ass shaking ! She said it was working our inner thighs, Gluts,  and quads or something like that. I was to busy containing the bursting laughter inside me at this class full of middle aged (mostly caucasian) women trying to master the rumpshaker, myself included. But, I admit I was excited. Finally, I might actually learn some smooth moves to Dance my ass off, Literally !!

Here is to Zumba, I can not wait for the next class - AYE AYE AYE AYE !! WOOT WOOT !

Fact: I am late for Mothers Day..always

Some things I want my mom to know.
Dear Mom,
I lova lova lova you. That is the favorite thing you ever said to me as a child, I miss hearing it. I do love you more than you know.
Dear Mom,
I am sorry my Mothers Day cards are always late or sometimes never even arrive. This year and last I couldnt afford a card. I should have went earlier to buy one but waited too long and after the holiday they were all gone :-( I will have to make a home made one to make up for it. Past years I was being angry, I have spent to much energy holding grudges.

Dear Mom,
I want to be like you.
In the begining I wanted to be a hair stylist to gossip with ladies, and cut, perm, or color peoples hair to make them feel beautiful like you did everyday. I wanted to be a good dancer like you. I wanted to wear lipstick on my cheeks.
Then I got older.... and you got sick again as you were before I knew about it. I am so glad AA gave you those years of sobriety. I know now that Alcoholism is a disease. I am sad you have it. I hope I never get it. It made me lose you...for a while. I didnt want to be like you at all after that. You said things that hurt me very bad and you probably dont remember, I remember everytime I drink. I tell myself  "dont enjoy this too much"
I still get scared I will break and it will get me too.
I ,  having four kids can not imagine the pain in losing one, especially my first born. I can understand when you get too sad to cope and I wish I could make it better. If beer is what helps than I guess thats okay with me after all these years, but please, dont drive.
I still want to be like you.
I am happy I was raised in Idaho. Even if for a short time, it is my home. I know much more than the city kids I am friends with now because of all I learned there. I wish my kids could learn it all too. And I hope to bring them there more often to learn to appreciate the beauty of the outdoors.
I want to cook like you, I want to grow a garden and can things, I want to be resourceful not wasteful, I want to appreciate nature's beauty and get my hands dirty in the soil.
You gave me a sense of humor and like you I pick at my toemails when I watch TV. You taught me good manners and that I should Love Jesus. I like to be crafty because of you. I like to listen to the Judds and Randy Travis and read the Lords prayer when I miss you.
Thank you Mom.
I love, lova, lova you.