Fact: Yeah, I said it.

This head holds many thoughts. Not sure if most people have the same thing going on in their skeletal cavity. Perhaps they just know better than to say certain things aloud? I have to admit I often say things aloud I probably shouldn’t. Big Shocker huh? Here are a few reasons:
A. Laughs.
      a. I recently read a great quote that is totally me…. but I forgot what is was exactly dang it ! Something along the lines of this “I try not to laugh at myself, but we all know I’m hilarious” Getting laughs is a main highlight of being blessed with the gift of wit, timing, and sarcasm. Some may call it being a "smartass" but I believe its a gift.

B. To be Honest
       a. Someone has to keep it real. I like to state the obvious and I realize most people are just to scared to do it, so I will.
C. In case no one else thought of what you were about to say.
        a. Think about it, you could totally change the course of life! (depending on what it is you’re involved in at the time of course - not if your just pointing out a pepper in someones teeth.)
D. To piss someone off on PURPOSE.
     a. I do this a lot. Sometimes its the only way to get that Horse to buck there ass off !!

I know it seems mean. I understand the “If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing” and I do follow it to some degree. If I don’t have something nice to say, I usually can find a way to say it jokingly with just enough serious undertones to make the person receiving the truth think about it and realize after I have left that I was telling them the truth about something not so great. This may sound terrible, but it works. For example: “Girl you look so cute and look at those boots, I think I hear 1984 calling asking where they went !” Hahahaha) Okay that was just mean, I couldn’t come up with something to drive the point home, gimme a break.

                         Finally, I may have mentioned in previous posts that I am often surrounded by a person whom reminds me of “Penelope” from SNL. She literally has the answer to everything,  she is perfect,  she has done it all,  seen it all,  knows it ALL or knows someone else who does and all their stories as well. I really like to say things to piss her off  and/or make her shut up.

               Today she goes on and on about the sun after I mention my daughter wanting to go to a tanning booth - to which I said Heck no, but before I could even mention that I was not on board... she starts with the facts. Facts about tanning booths, skin cancer scares, sunscreen trivia, how she know this person that had this and that, her perfect skin tone and ways she achieves it, how she once took a trip to the sun and got the answers direct from the sun….. For crying out loud I want to strangle her!!!!!! NORMALLY, to anyone else I would listen attentively, be kind, interact, etc. But with her I am driven to boldly proclaim my love of the sun, then further to tell her how I will get a tan, how I wont EVER wear Sunscreen, and how I know for sure that I will NEVER get skin cancer. All just to pinch her fucking nerves, because her relentless perfection drives me batty!!!!

Just for the record: Skin cancer does scare me, I live in Arizona for Pete’s sake, I’m not an idiot. I am aware I am not immune to bad things. I do wear some sunscreen, but I also lean toward sun worship at times and take a burn like an idiot for the sake of tan sun kissed skin that may or may not harm me at some point in the future. I NEVER will let her know any of these things. And of course, I will continue to say what I mean and mean what I say without trying to be "mean".

Fact: Yesterday SUCKED for me

Today is a new day and I am trying to have Faith that God will make things right. I am going to try and find the good in each situation. I am angry about a lot of things though, Ima get them off my chest because this is the place I can.

• Lexi lost her phone walking home from school. I am not angry with her. I am angry that she lost her birthday present and I can not afford to replace it. I am angry she has to be so sad. I am BLESSED she understands and is an amazing kid.
• Kysa's bus was late from tutoring yesterday and I thought she missed it and could not find her. I am angry when things with my kids are out of my control. I am angry there are scary people in the world that led me to have terrible thoughts. I am BLESSED and so thankful it was only a late bus and she is just fine SAFE and sound. I love my kids so much.
• Found out my phone bill is over $300 due to minutes overage, I could have paid an extra $30 for unlimited and didnt because I thought we wouldnt go over. I am angry for thinking that. I am angry at phone companies for gouging customers. I am BLESSED that we all can keep in touch so much easier than my parents could with me because of cellphones.
• My camera went missing with Kysa's birthday party pictures and many other family pictures that only we could treasure and mean so much more than a camera. We think someone who visited our home may have taken it. I am angry people steal. I am angry those memories are not going to be in print for my children to enjoy in the future. I am BLESSED that God is good and believing we will get it back.
• I fought with my husband out of frustration and anger. I am sorry for reacting so quickly.
• Read my husbands family members blogs which I normally no longer do. We had a falling out last year around this time when I questioned his Aunt & Uncle about their unwavering faith and wondered why they would leave some family members behind if they were so knowledgable in Gods word. Knowing all they know this is surely not right , right ? I told them how I felt in a respectful way in hopes we could talk it out work it out. His Aunt let me know I was wrong about everything, ungrateful - crossing the line and my husband was undeserving and not a favorite of anyones. After this all contact between our families ceased. We even got cut off the Christmas card list! I sent a card from our family to theirs still as that is just plain silly. I am angry at the reaction I got. I am angry his family has completely shut out our family for speaking of feelings rather than hearing me  or maybe meeting me to talk even. All families fight I guess, maybe I was wrong to ask and say how I felt ?
•  I am angry that his Uncle acts as if nothing ever happened when he talks with and sees my husband. I am angry that you can be so knowledgable of forgiveness and so unforgiving at the same time. I am angry it all made me question my faith. I am angry it still makes me angry.I am BLESSED that even with such small knowledge comparitvely, I know better.
• My twins have bad asthma and had to see the Doctor for the 3 times in as many weeks yesterday. They are now on two different meds each for breathing treatments. I am angry at germs and cold viruses that cause their immune systems to weaken. I am angry my babies are hurting. They are so innocent and pure this is unfair! I am BLESSED that they are otherwise completely healthy and I am sooooo grateful for that.
• My daughter Lexi got into an argument with a girl at school who kicked her out of the "group" for something silly and then proceeded to make a nasty comment about her weight in front of everyone. Clicks never end FYI, I've even see old lady clicks at retirement communities!! I am angry she has to go through this. I am angry she learned bad eating and excercise habits from me. I am BLESSED knowing she is very secure and strong and she will make it through regardless.
• I want to take my family home to Idaho because I miss my sister and her family, my Mom ,and my home. I am angry 6 tickets cost soooo much money. I am BLESSED in knowing we will get their eventually.
• I am angry at rising Gas and food prices and no cost of living increases- UGHHHHH !!!
• Finally, I am angry that I feel so much anger !!!!! I do not like it Sam I am. So, I am putting it out there to try and release and let it all go-I may also scream a little later.

Happy Hump Day ?

Why am I such a hater?

I really hate this about myself. So shameful of me.

Here goes...I am admitting it to the world of 7 followers who may read this because thats as close as I can get to confessional being that I am a non-catholic who attends a christian church on a sporadic basis.

Okay so what I am getting at is that I have realized for some time now that I am a "hater". Basically Im a jealous bitch that thinks everyone has it easier than myself. Like Bruce Almighty I feel at times I am an Ant that God is shining upon with a magnifying glass to burn up. A bit harsh? YES. In reality I dont want to blame God, its not his fault. Its my very own and I accept that-well sorta, sometimes.

I read blogs,see websites,women at the mall,women at the park,etc. These women seem to have it all together. Some have the same # of kids as me or more!! They are dressed cute, have lots of friends, little play groups, craft get togethers, bunko, and the like. They go to lunch,get their nails done,drink wine,and laugh laugh laugh. They are skinny,dress super cute, have nice cars,nice purses and extra money to shop with.Not to mention their kids are in all sorts of activities,dance ,karate, gymnastics and its not ruining them financially because their husbands make good money. They get to go to sporting events as a family,icecapades, have honeymoons & babymoons, take the kids to Disneyland and Sea World every year. UUGGHH I hate them all.

But I shouldnt. Its totally my choices that have me where I am.

For example: I hate wine. Could my wine hating be my entire downfall? NO. But it means no wine and cheese parties for me,Or girls wine outings, trips to a vineyard , etc. .Im a beer or Margarita chic and not all that fancy, Im from Idaho-beautiful place but pretty down home and Im pretty down home too :) I am shy when meeting new people, sometimes because I feel they are better than me or may see what a shambles I am!! So I shy away from them, leaving me to not get invited to the mommy groups,bunko, or church lady laughtastic bible groups.I seem awkard and unnapraochable, a real meany!

Im not though! I like to think really I am a nice girl, I just like to joke around a lot and I happen to have a mean look on my face that I am unaware of if not smiling. I can be very genuine and loyal. I will help you paint until my back gives out ,cook you meals if you are sick, help a friend pull weeds,or take her kids if she needs a break! I have it in me to be the bestest friend and I have a few.

Im just jealous of these perfect moms, really they probably arent as together as I think. Many dont have a full time job so I have to think about that as well.

You cant get results of change if you never make any changes, I KNOW. So this is my year for change, MY AHA Oprah moment of a year. I want to take my kids to Disneyland for the first time dangit !!!! I want to be a "bunko" girl, I want a hobby, a church family, a fancy purse and fancy shoes with designer jeans. I want to be a volunteer for a good cause, a marathon runner, meet more friends and be mother of the year! I want to read my Bible and ask God for his Will to be done in my life (as long as it doesn't involve the magnifying glass :) ) I like to think God likes my sense of humor-sometimes- or he wouldnt have given it to me!

All in all I want to live up to my potential and stop being a jealous hater slinking back into my shell !! Now I just have to start somewhere and stop being scared about starting.....