Fact: Life goes on

Genesis 3:19 - In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou [art], and unto dust shalt thou return.

                  When someone you love dies it seems (to me) that everything should STOP. For the person in mourning it often does, not to begin again for sometime depending on how you heal. But for the rest of the world, life goes on. Each day comes, each night. It will continue without you no matter how influential you were, Tomorrow is promised to no man. It has always been this way and will always be. Its a hard concept to grasp. For me anyways. After my sister passed I dont remember much, it was a full year before I came back to some sort of normal and went about my teenage life. My life was forever changed though, as was my entire family. To see how each person deals with it and how it has changed them has been something in itself and I cant explain it. I can say, losing someone young is earthshattering, it makes the concept of how short the time we have here stick out in your mind at all times.
Any time I begin to dwell on the negative I am reminded it could be over this instant. Reminded no matter how pissed I am or broken, I must find a way to love and be thankful in every situation. There is not nearly enough time for me to put into words how I have been affected by my sister dying, I dont know that if I even tried I could. It is odd how in some ways it has made me a better person and in others made me a total spazz.
People die each second in this world, it seems like it should get easier. You would think we should be prepared to handle it and not be so devastated or shocked when it comes, but then we wouldn't be emotional human beings, right ? I imagine most hope to live long lives and quietly drift off in our sleep and this would be what we would hope for those we love as well. Its weird - DEATH. Its scary, its permanent, its inevitable. I am not so much afraid for myself, just for my children. That they be taken care of, that they not be sad or scared, that they would never have to endure pain or suffering. The same as any mother I guess. I take great comfort however in knowing that I am the daughter of  the King as are my children and in the end we will all be together, this is what quells my fears.
I love that the Hispanic culture celebrates their dead with Dia de los Muertos. It is much more joyous and freeing to pray and remember, than to be full of grief and sadness over a grave twice a year. Not to say I will never be sad again or be completely devastated if tradgedy occurs but I am going to do my best from now on to choose to pray and remember joyfully. To celebrate my sisters life that was LIVED, to be joyful that I had the opportunity to know her for the time I did. And the same for my other friends and family that have passed. I celebrate your memory and I know I will see you all again.

Fact: I lost a friend to suicide yesterday

His name was Sam. He was an old friend from my high school days that I hadnt seen in sometime. I loved his big amazing smile and long dark spiral curls. He had a surfers nature, a free spirit, a yearning to experience the world and be at one with it, a big heart that would help anyone and give them the last he had, he was too good for this. Anyone is too good for suicide. No one knew he was having trouble, he hid it so well.

I know how it works as I hide my pain very well also, and have had my own terribly dark depressing times. The feeling so alone, no one understanding, wanting to end the pain, wanting to just STOP the bleeding.It is all very selfish, but in a depression you just don't see it like that.
I am so very sad to know that he was hurting in this way, hurting even worse to actually carry out the plan. So very sad that his family will blame themselves, always wondering what they could have done to stop him. So very sad the world has to continue without this Kindred soul. I pray for you my old friend, I pray for your family, I am sorry you felt so alone.

Anyone feeling this way please know there are MANY people that have you on their minds today, you may not know it or feel it but suicide is never the answer, MANY people love you, you are not alone and someone wants to help you. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

God Bless you brother, may you Rest in Peace

We will see you on the other side.

Fact: Vaccines dont always keep the bugs away

Isnt that wierd ? I know a lot of folks that do not vaccinate. (I even have a friend who's mother has become so anti-vaccination that I think she may need some sort of mental health intervention.) This scares me a bit. Autism definetly scares me as well but even without the full knowledge I continue to vaccinate my kids. Its either going to be a-okay, possible autism or worse, or the chance at some point of ending up deathly ill of some disease that was irradicated 40 years back and there is now no way to treat. Its a "who would you rather" type situation involving the worst possible choices, either way is scary, but you must choose.
I watched an episode of ER where someone got the small pox and basically everyone in the hospital was preparing to kiss their asses goodbye, scared the $hit out of me. Perhaps it was a government conspiracy to get ER to run that episode as to scare the highest rated veiwing audience at the time into vaccinating their children? Its possible ! But, Im too lazy to search conspiracy theories. Bottom line is, Dr said vaccinate them and I did. I admit now I am probably not material for the next womens rights movement anymore, sigh. So here it is, I took the direction of the professionals and still 3 out of my 4 kids has ended up with the chicken pox. Still waiting to see if #4 will show up with the terrible bumps in the next 4 weeks now that his sissy has them, My poor sweet Eden just covered and soo itchy. (Such the perfect time I might add, we are moving this week and no one wants to babysit) We take her to the Dr yesterday. She says, yeah you can still get them even if you have the vaccine, its just a milder case. NICE.  So I search around a bit and that seems to be the case for all vaccines, pretty much you can get whatever you come in contact with it just might be less shitty. Good to know. Leaves me to wonder whats the case if your vaccination is 30+ years old and you meet up with the mumps??? Time to buy stock in surgical masks perhaps....

OY VEY !!!

Fact: Today is Fat Tuesday !!!

Every year for the past 6 or so years I have been participating in my own version of Lent. I was raised as a Lutheran. I was young when we stopped going so I dont much remember anyone participating if they did. but I genuinely LOVE the idea of giving up/taking on something to honor what I believe Jesus did for me.
DISCLAIMER: The reason I added the "I believe" should be self explanatory, but for some who like to argue that is not always the case.  Basically I belive the Christian principle of John 3:16, that God gave his only begotten Son for those who believe to live eternal life. I'd be happy to discuss it with anyone that asks and I fully respect those who think differently. I dont really care to argue with anyone about it though. My daughters Grandmother is Jehovahs Witness, she is always after me. I tell her we agree to disagree. I figure you do what you want, I do what I want, and we will see who is right in the end. MOVING ON.
In case you were wondering, click here for a definition of Lent.
Every year I have done this I have found that it is much easier than say a New Years Resolution. Maybe because I am praying about it and feel accountable? Again with the accountability, it really is key. This year I am going to try for the most ever and Im feeling pretty good about it.
Here is to a jumpstart in the name of Jesus!

Giving Up

Diet Soda  - My crutch. I hate, no, I LOATHE coffee. I love the cold crisp first drink of bubbly goodness. The way it dances on the tongue and the cools the esophagiul tube as it goes down, then hits the top of my stomach as if to say "Lets get this party started my acidic friends!" I will miss it so. I know it is for the best in the long run and I hope to not start again after my 40 days are up. Farewell DC my old friend !!

Candy Dish here at work  - This dish is the devil. I sit diagonally across from it. It is filled to the brim daily with delectable treats while it owner peruses weight watchers magazines and never touches it. It calls to me in a sugar whisper. It calls to everyone else in the department too. I think its her secret ploy to give us all heart disease so she can take over the company. My trips to and fro end NOW (well tomorrow officially , just one more tiny butterfinger today)

Half my Salt  -  Oh if ever there was a salt junky she is me. I can not get enough of the stuff. To me, nothing tastes good without it. I know it would be far to bold to try and give it up completely, therefor my plan is to give up half of what I would normally eat-which is a ton.Instead of 4 salt packets on my frozen meal, I will try to use only 1, 2 at the most but no more. Even the Bible talks of salt as precious commodity, Matthew 5:13!

Smoking  -  I've done it before, I can do it again!! I only smoke at night, most people have no idea. I sneak out after the kids are asleep. Sometimes I skip a night or two even. Its like my glass of wine, my tool for unwinding the days stress-some days its in demand more than others. It's a nasty habit, of this I am fully aware. I think it smells and I hate it but staying quit has been one of my lifes toughest challenges .


Taking On

Reading the New Testament in 40 days - Tried this before and usually quit during Romans for some reason. All have sinned and fall short of the glory... aaaand Im done. LOL. Determined this time to make it through!

Going to Church every Sunday maybe Wednesdays - Problem here is I dont have a church. Im not a huge fan of church to be honest but for this I am willing to give another go and see what will happen.

Walking every day - Here Jesus endured so much to save me and I cant even get my lazy butt up to walk for 30 minutes to help keep my body healthy? Unacceptable. To that I add the recommended 8 daily servings of water and pray for it to stick.

Traditional Fasting - Haven't tried this one before. Shrimp Taco Fridays here I come !!

So there you have it, my Lenten list ! Prayers accepted.

Fact: You must "hang in there"

My daughter Lexi calls me at work in a panic this morning. "Mom, I can't go to school". Her I am thinking the worst, of course, as always. Has she fallen and knocked out a tooth ? Did she trip on the mounting piles of laundry in the hall that never end and slice her leg open on her brothers tonka truck ? Maybe there is a mad man outside and she is under the bed hiding terrified and so worried about missing school but can not leave for fear he may attack? !!BUZZER !! Maybe I am a touch cookoo and/or have watched to many "When things go bad" episodes on Spike?

Ummm yeah ...No. She continues to say, "I look horrible" to which I respond with a very very LOUD laugh. SERIOUSLY ?! I look horrible 3 out 5 days for

work, do I get to stay home ? Hell no ! Now get on the effing bus or your grounded.
        It is a hard learned fact that life goes on. Whether we live, die, puke, or have extremely bad hair. Nothing stops for anyone. You have to suck it up and participate. (If she had strep throat or a crazy fever of course she could stay home, Im no Mommy Dearest) Looking bad is no excuse, its funny she actually has friends that stay home for this reason with parental approval-this boggles my mind. How can you teach your kid that they must keep going even when things get bad if you allow them to slink out of day to day life for the most silly of reasons? As many times as I've prayed I could sleep for a week to avoid an awful circumstance, I have genuinely been glad in most cases that I tredged through it and made it to the other side, almost always learning a lesson or being stronger for it.

Dear Kids,
        I hope you understand someday.... Why I wont let you miss school for looking awful. Why I wont allow you to spend the night on a school night. Why I make you watch TV with me and will not allow you to have a TV or computer in your room. Why I read your text messages.Why I ask a thousand questions about who, what, when, where, and why. Why I always talk to parents before you can go to a friends house or stay the night. Why I get so angry when you are late. Why Im not sure I will ever let you be out past 9pm. Why I want you to be respectful to others including teachers you say "hate:"you. (which I will investigate to be sure you are in fact overreacting.) Why I insist you use your manners at all times. Why I give you book reports instead of grounding you. Why I will always say "because I am your Mom not your friend." Why I make you try everything once before you can say you dont like it. Why I want you to be nice to your siblings, since I lost one of mine and it hurts so bad. Why I always want to know where you are, who you are with and what you are up to. Why I expect you to help me around the house. Why I want a strong bond with all of you, since I dont have it with my mom and I know how hard life is without that. That I do all these things and more because I want you to be an amazing, strong, trusted, and most of  all - happy adult. An adult  who knows your Mom loves you more than anything in the world.

How do you be a "Grown Up" ?

I have realized that I am 31 years young and I do not feel grown up. Actually, I dont feel much different than I did when I was 16. I am a touch more cautious,I don't stay out late often, and I now pay bills. Other than that though not much has changed. I have been observing Adults to see what it means to really be a grown up. It seems these things are key:


#1) Matching Furniture throughout the house. From what I have seen it seems most grown-ups have a flow of boring matching furniture sets . They use all the same woods. Very often it is oak trimmed in Brass, a truly horrid design, along with those old etched glass brass touch lamps-Georgeous right?!


#2) No Posters on your bedroom walls. Apparently this is frowned upon after High School. BUMMER!!! I still love a lot of music and see many a rockin poster at Target that I would love to plaster the room with. It seems this is only okay for Garages and mainly for men, restricted to cars, Or Obscene photos of women. What a bunch of bologna !


#3) Boring Clothes. Khaki anyone? Black and Khaki are about the only acceptable outfitting for an "appropriate"workplace pant choice.Paired up with a hideous patterned cotton blend t-shirt and optional blazer, we have not come to far from the 80's ladies. Somebody put me out of my misery please!


#4)Having a Credit Card/Nestegg/Back up plan for emergencies. YEAH UMMM.... I dont have this. With 5 kids I really should. I think its a fabulous idea and I really wish I had made smarter choices.Unfortunately, I had to take "Free Enterprise" in school because it would teach me about the economy. No class was offered teaching how Credit runs the world, and can make or break your entire life. Who knew? Not me, at 18 with 10 credit cards-WOOHOO!! I thought...But continue to haunt me to this day as charge-offs!! Mind you, I do have a 401K but after this terrible year I depleted to pay for neccesity. Here's to hoping nothing major needs fixing anytime soon...


#5) A House..most grown ups own homes of their very own...again this boils down to a good rating of credit.


#6) 2 Decent Cars.They run good, get oil changes every 3000 miles,tires rotated,tune-ups,car washes and typically one of them fits the entire family. Huh, wonder what thats like. I took mechanics in school and I have always loved cars but still I know slim to none about how they work. Cant remember for the life of me how that oil change went, can't get the tire iron to turn even if I sat on it, and who knew you needed water in your radiator? Nope,not my husband, nor myself. In this department, my house still looks from the driveway like a couple of college kids!


#7)They know Politics and talk about it..A LOT..

I dont know how any of this works.Politics to me are like the inner workings of a clock all those crazy dials and twists and what not. It makes no sense to me and frankly I dont want to talk about it. What I know is this: I need to learn more to make a difference if I want something changed. BUT, I dont want to learn more because I find it to be so boring that I could never get to the place of learned wisdom, therefore I myself can not make a change. Though it seems that politics and the people in them are very underhanded and no matter what, they get things done they want done and the majority of "common folk" have no say in what really happens, vote or not.

#8)Wrinkles... Not so exited about this one-It seems once I have wrinkles the cat will be out of the bag. I will have to act my age!! Im hoping I will be able to get botox before anyone notices.Or I could just be that crazy old lady everyone talks about behind her back, and thats fine too.

You learn something new everyday...

As a kid I was told this a lot. Of course,being a kid I always thought "Yeah Right- How on earth could I possibly learn anything else,especially at 18 when I knew it ALL... I could right an entire book on that subject!!

Now that I am older I see that it is true. I find when I pay attention, that I do learn something new everyday. Somedays more than others, all in all I am fascinated by it! To think there is so much to know,see,touch,smell,etc. This world is an exciting place when you embrace it. Though at times, yes, it can be incredibly monotonaus,humdrum, and boring. When I have those type of days I try to remember that tomorrow I may learn something that could completely change my life! Or something less than lifechanging, like how Cashews are harvested in Thailand. Either way, it is something to look forward too. Im excited to know what each new day holds for learning, I love to learn. Even a bad learned experience is better than no experience at all. There is a blessing in every lesson right?! I think so.