I LOATHE SMOKING. I hate the smell of it. I hate riding in the elevator with the guy coming in from a cigarette break. I hate smoke in my face, smoke on my clothes,smoke in my hair,smoke up my nose, black lungs,emphysema,cancer,smoky rooms,smoky cars and smoky homes.I HATE IT ALL.
But sadly I LOVE to smoke.
This is a vice I can not free myself from.Its like Spiderman trapped in the black spider suit,its evil but feels so good.I feel like I must know what a drug addict goes through in some small part becaue of this horrible habit. Many people dont know I smoke. Its a closet thing for me. I have one at night a few times a week after the kids go to sleep,its like my end of the day stress relief. And when partaking in alcohol there is nothing better than my box of Kools...Curse you Sinister Sticks!!!
It all started at age 12 in my bathroom. Flamingo shower curtain, pink towels and my best friend having me take a puff off her Camel wide. BLEH!! But it was cool, it made me cool, oh how sad it all is! Peer pressure is very real and I am scared for my kids. So here I am, 31 years old and deathly afraid of the effects this habit is going to wreak on me. How irresponsible,deadly and bad influencing it is. I have actually quit 4 times, once with each of my pregnancy's. Something about knowing my body was not mine alone helped me push all bad aside, but once its mine again-forget it! And once at age 15 for a year because a boy I liked thought it was gross, until he started a year later....go figure.
It didnt help that I grew up in a smoky home and my stepmother would buy me cartons, maybe she thought she was being a "cool" step-parent? My Dad didn't like it at all but he wouldnt tell her she was wrong if you threatened him within inches of his life! I wish someone would have smacked it out of my teenage trash talking mouth and made me suffer...sigh.
I am honestly wanting to quit for good and I am taking the steps, the baby steps, right now to become a non-smoker. But, it does really have a hold on me!!! Ive tried the gum, the patch, Wellbutrin, thought of wiring my jaw shut if I could find a Dr that would and dream of how actually wiring would serve dual purposes. As part of the greatness of smoking is maintaining thinness, which I am actually not. Its for the lazy person who does not want to work out-yeah that would be me. So another reason (excuse) I fear about quitting is eating when I am stressed rather than smoking! It is a vicious cycle and I need to quit once and for all.
1 comment:
I don't want to deter your efforts but I did gain weight after I quit smoking. Of course, I wasn't an "in the closet" smoker like you. I smoked at least a pack a day (and sometimes two packs). After quitting, I gained over 30 pounds in the course of the next two years. Now, I have lost 10 of that and I'm on my way to losing the other 20 (simply by cutting bread, pasta, rice, etc. from my diet).
The funny thing is that I quit for financial (not health) reasons. After packs went over $5.00 each (and remember, I was smoking at lest a pack a day), I decided not to buy anymore (and I don't bum smokes) so I quit.
Now that I haven't smoked for over 2 years, I feel so much better and I honestly do not crave them any more. You can do it but it won't be easy at first. I applaud your efforts and wish you the best in your goal to quit smoking.
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