Why am I such a hater?

I really hate this about myself. So shameful of me.

Here goes...I am admitting it to the world of 7 followers who may read this because thats as close as I can get to confessional being that I am a non-catholic who attends a christian church on a sporadic basis.

Okay so what I am getting at is that I have realized for some time now that I am a "hater". Basically Im a jealous bitch that thinks everyone has it easier than myself. Like Bruce Almighty I feel at times I am an Ant that God is shining upon with a magnifying glass to burn up. A bit harsh? YES. In reality I dont want to blame God, its not his fault. Its my very own and I accept that-well sorta, sometimes.

I read blogs,see websites,women at the mall,women at the park,etc. These women seem to have it all together. Some have the same # of kids as me or more!! They are dressed cute, have lots of friends, little play groups, craft get togethers, bunko, and the like. They go to lunch,get their nails done,drink wine,and laugh laugh laugh. They are skinny,dress super cute, have nice cars,nice purses and extra money to shop with.Not to mention their kids are in all sorts of activities,dance ,karate, gymnastics and its not ruining them financially because their husbands make good money. They get to go to sporting events as a family,icecapades, have honeymoons & babymoons, take the kids to Disneyland and Sea World every year. UUGGHH I hate them all.

But I shouldnt. Its totally my choices that have me where I am.

For example: I hate wine. Could my wine hating be my entire downfall? NO. But it means no wine and cheese parties for me,Or girls wine outings, trips to a vineyard , etc. .Im a beer or Margarita chic and not all that fancy, Im from Idaho-beautiful place but pretty down home and Im pretty down home too :) I am shy when meeting new people, sometimes because I feel they are better than me or may see what a shambles I am!! So I shy away from them, leaving me to not get invited to the mommy groups,bunko, or church lady laughtastic bible groups.I seem awkard and unnapraochable, a real meany!

Im not though! I like to think really I am a nice girl, I just like to joke around a lot and I happen to have a mean look on my face that I am unaware of if not smiling. I can be very genuine and loyal. I will help you paint until my back gives out ,cook you meals if you are sick, help a friend pull weeds,or take her kids if she needs a break! I have it in me to be the bestest friend and I have a few.

Im just jealous of these perfect moms, really they probably arent as together as I think. Many dont have a full time job so I have to think about that as well.

You cant get results of change if you never make any changes, I KNOW. So this is my year for change, MY AHA Oprah moment of a year. I want to take my kids to Disneyland for the first time dangit !!!! I want to be a "bunko" girl, I want a hobby, a church family, a fancy purse and fancy shoes with designer jeans. I want to be a volunteer for a good cause, a marathon runner, meet more friends and be mother of the year! I want to read my Bible and ask God for his Will to be done in my life (as long as it doesn't involve the magnifying glass :) ) I like to think God likes my sense of humor-sometimes- or he wouldnt have given it to me!

All in all I want to live up to my potential and stop being a jealous hater slinking back into my shell !! Now I just have to start somewhere and stop being scared about starting.....